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Senin, 25 Oktober 2010

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Mengambang aroma wangi
sabun mandi. Kran
kuhidupkan, mendesis deras
air memenuhi bathtub
tempatku berbaring. Sebatang
Marlboro Menthol di bibir,
klenting bunyi tutup Zippo,
mengeluarkan api
menempelkan bara. Kuhisap
dalam-dalam, kuhembuskan,
uh... lepas. Di kamar mandi
ini, kutuliskan cerita dalam
kepalaku untukmu, untuk
kalian, siapa saja yang mau
membaca cerita ini. Mungkin
kacau balau tak beraturan,
tapi lumayan ‘kan buat
mengisi waktu luang kalian?
Cerita dalam kepalaku ini
akan kuberi judul : sudah
lama aku ingin membunuhnya.
Bagaimana? Layakkah ia
menjadi sebuah judul? Layak?
Kalau begitu baiklah, segera
kuceritakan.
Sudah lama aku ingin
membunuhnya. Ya,
membunuhnya! Waktu
pertama kali ia datang
padaku, mengatakan cintanya
itu aku langsung ingin
membunuhnya. Muak dan jijik
kuusir dia dengan makian.
Bagaimana tidak? Ia datang
padaku, menawarkan cintanya
sementara aku laki-laki
normal, yang mencintai
kekasihku, perempuan.
Sedang dia, laki-laki, berjenis
kelamin sama denganku.
Huek!!! Aku muntah.Ia tidak
pernah menyerah. Suara
lembutnya entah dibuat-buat
atau memang seperti itu,
terus-terusan mendesah di
handphoneku kapan pun. Pagi,
siang, malam- pagi, siang,
malam. Pagi lagi, siang lagi,
malam lagi. Ah, aku muntah
lagi. Huek!.
Juga, selalu smsnya: kmu
begitu mirip dgn kekasihku yg
dulu. aku ingin memilikimu.
Diulang-ulang, terus-terusan
pesan singkat menjijikkan itu.
Aku tidak habis pikir, sudah
beberapa kali kuganti nomor
handphone-ku, ia selalu bisa
menghubungiku. Bagaimana
bisa? Entahlah! Bahkan, ia
berani melakukan lebih jauh
lagi. Ceritanya beberapa
waktu lalu. Malam itu, karena
lelah, aku langsung masuk ke
kamar tidur, bermaksud
berbaring di atas ranjang.
Betapa terkejutnya aku
sehabis menyalakan lampu.
Dia sudah berbaring di sana,
tanpa busana pula.
“Surprise!!!Welcome home,
Honey.” Ia menyambutku
dengan lagak mesra, seolah
sepasang suami istri tengah
dimabuk asmara. Tak hanya
itu, ia mengangkat gelas
anggurnya sambil memejam-
mejamkan mata, lantas
menghabiskan isi dalam gelas
itu dan kemudian melangkah
ke arahku.
“Aku tahu, kamu pura-pura
tidak suka. Padahal....” Ia
mendekatiku berjalan
perlahan, layaknya
peragawati. Tak buang-buang
waktu lagi, aku berembus,
meninggalkannya di dalam
rumahku. Sejak kejadian
itulah aku tidak pernah lagi
merasa aman tinggal di
rumahku sendiri. Jadinya, aku
acapkali menumpang
berpindah-pindah di rumah
teman-temanku.
“Laporkan saja ke polisi”,
saran seorang teman pada
suatu siang.
“Ah, malu. Masa ngurusin
bencong kayak gitu aja pakai
lapor polisi segala. ”
“Hati-hati, Bob. Entar dia
ngajak kamu main pedang-
pedangan lho, ha...ha...ha !”
ejek temanku yang satunya.
Huek!Huek! Aku muntah-
muntah lagi.
Hari-hari berikutnya, lelaki
cantik itu mengikutiku dengan
cintanya tidak mengenal
waktu. Tidak pernah
menyerah, tidak pernah
kalah. Sebenarnya, aku tidak
pernah berani memikirkan
kalau aku sampai bisa jatuh
ke dalam cintanya. Sungguh.
Tapi ada suatu kejadian yang
kemudian menjebakku masuk
ke dalam perangkap
permainan cinta laki-laki itu.
Di suatu pagi, di kamar Hotel
Men Dreams, aku tiba-tiba
sudah berada dalam
pelukannya. Dia telah
memperkosaku sepanjang
malam. Malam itu dalam
keadaan mabuk berat aku
kira hanya ada seorang gadis
bersamaku, ternyata si laki-
laki jahanam ini juga ada di
sana. Samar aku ingat,
semalam si gadis yang
mengajakku berkenalan di
kafe itu sempat memberiku
segelas cairan tapi bukan bir,
sejenis minuman langsung
membuat kepalaku berat.
Dalam keadaan seperti
bermimpi, badanku telungkup
terasa ditindih. Paginya, aku
terbangun betapa marahnya
aku ketika tahu dia di
sampingku, memelukku.
“ Jahanam!!!”. Kuberi dia
makian disertai pukulan pada
hidungnya hingga ia menangis
berdarah-darah: ”Aku cinta
kamu. Aku sayang kamu.
Pukullah aku sesukamu. ”
“Sialan!!!” Kusambar jins dan
kemejaku, bergegas
meninggalkan kamar itu.
Akhirnya, aku tahu gadis
semalam membuatku mabuk
berat itu suruhannya. Sial …!
Lelaki itu tak pernah
menyerah. Ia terus
mengincarku, ingin
memperkosaku. Begitulah, dia
telah memperkosaku dan
masih ingin memperkosaku.
Tapi, benarkah dia telah
memperkosaku? Bukankah
korban perkosaan, merasa
jijik dan terus-terusan
membayangkan peristiwa itu
sebagai siksaan. Tapi
mengapa ketika mengingat
peristiwa setengah sadar itu
aku tidak merasa jijik.
Mengapa aku mendadak
menikmatinya? Aku kan bukan
gay? Aku normal?
Handphoneku tiba-tiba
bergetar, sebuah pesan
singkat masuk : biarpun kau
sdh memukulku, tdk ada sakit
yg ku rasa. aku menikmatinya.
datanglah padaku, syng.
Sialan,-entah bagimana- ibu
jariku menekan huruf-huruf
membentuk tanya : dimana? di
layar handphoneku. Dia
jawab : hotel men dreams kmr
13. Pada bagian ini, mungkin
kalian bertanya mengapa aku
menanyakan bertemu dimana.
Kumohon, jangan tanyakan itu
Kawan, sampai saat inipun
aku tak tahu mengapa. Tiba-
tiba saja aku ingin sekali
bertemu. Waktu itu, aku
segera mendatanginya
bercampur aduk perasaan
benci, amarah, rindu, melebur
nafsu. Malam itu, pertama
kalinya sebagai laki-laki aku
mau melakukan hubungan
terkutuk itu sepenuh-
penuhnya keinginan, tanpa
paksaan. Permainan pertama
usai, dia menangis berbisik
lembut di telingaku :
“Terima kasih, sayang. Sejak
pertama melihat kamu di kafe
itu, aku yakin kamu
reinkarnasi kekasihku dulu,
aku tahu kamu kembali ke
pelukanku. Terima kasih. ”
Penuh nafsu ia memelukku
dalam pesona gerak
perempuan haus permainan
cinta. Huek? Aku tidak muntah
lagi. Hingga kini, terbiasa.
Tidak menjijikan lagi. Normal
dan aku menikmatinya.
Begitu cepat hingga lama
kelamaan tumbuh rasa cinta
aneh –sekali lagi, entah dari
mana datangnya- dalam diriku
untuknya, menghapus
keinginanku ,
membunuhnya.Akhirnya,
seperti aku harapkan,
kekasihku perempuan pergi
meninggalkan aku.
Dan, semuanya berlalu, tak
pernah kekal, begitu juga
cinta. Bisa jadi ini malam
penghabisan, sebab cintaku
telah hilang, berubah menjadi
dendam. Ada aroma maut
menusuk-nusuk, mendesak-
desak, berebut aroma malam
masuk ke hidungku,
menggedor-gedor kepalaku,
memunculkan kembali naluri
purba pada manusia:
membunuh, naluri yang
dulunya pernah kutujukan
padanya. Ya, aku kembali
ingin membunuhnya. Seperti
dulu, seperti dulu...
Kau bertanya, mengapa aku
ingin membunuhnya kali ini?
Baik, kuberitahu padamu aku
ingin membunuhnya karena
dia berkhianat. Aku lihat,
malam ini, dia berpelukan
mesra dengan laki-laki lain di
kafe. Mereka berciuman di
taman dalam siraman hujan,
melintasi jalan, bergandengan
mesra hingga memasuki
kamar di Hotel Men Dreams.
Aku bergegas, mengikuti
hingga tiba di sini, berbohong
dengan teriakan sebagai room
boy.
Seperti menjelang mati, dia
tidak mampu berkata-kata
lagi ketika melihat aku yang
berada di sebalik pintu. Cepat,
ia berusaha menutup pintu itu.
Sekuat-kuatnya kutahan, aku
masuk dan dia menangis
dengan tubuh bergetar
ketakutan. Sementara si laki-
laki kekasih barunya berlari
terbirit-birit, keluar dari
kamar. Melihat ketakutannya,
dengan senyuman aku
menenangkan dia yang masih
menampakkan wajah pucat
seperti mayat. Entah apa
ekspresi senyumku.
Pernahkah engkau melihat
senyum manis mengandung
amarah milik sesosok
malaikat pencabut nyawa?
Mungkin, begitulah senyumku
malam ini.
“Aku tidak akan
mengganggumu, aku ingin
mengatakan aku sangat rindu
padamu ingin bercinta. Cepat
buka celanamu. ”
Ia menurut saja, melepas
celananya yang tersisa. Pisau
lipat yang, kusembunyikan di
saku celana, nantinya akan
kugunakan memotong anunya.
“Tok...Tok...Tok...”
Sial!, terpaksa kuhentikan
cerita ini, Kawan. Ada
ketukan pintu kamar mandi
ini. Mungkin itu room boy atau
polisi menemukan mayatnya
terkapar dalam simbahan
darah di atas ranjang dan
anunya yang tercecer di
bawah ranjang. Atau
mungkin,...ah, tidak mungkin.
Tapi, entahlah, aku buka saja,
memastikan siapa. Tapi,
jangan-jangan, dia mengetuk
pintu itu.***

Sabtu, 31 Juli 2010

Trik-trik Permainan Debus

Pernah menyaksikan seseorang melakukan debus? Itu loh, yang motong-motong lidah, makan silet, dll. Apa yang tersbesit dalam pikiran Anda saat melihat adegan tersebut? Jin? Setan? Ghoib? Tidak heran, memang banyak masyarakat yang masih kental dengan kepercayaan terhadap hal-hal mistik seperti itu. Pemain debus menjadi dapat banyak untung dari permainannya dan tipuannya. Pemain debus mengatakan bahwa yang dimainkannya itu adalah dengan bantuan ghaib, dan itu penipuan. Saya lebih suka pesulap, yang terang-terangan di mana-mana pesulap itu pasti memakai trik-trik sulap, walau masih ada saja beberapa masyarakat kita yang beranggapan bahwa para pesulap itu memakai jin dan bersekutu dengan setan atau aliran sesat. Mungkin mereka melihat cincinnya, simbol-simbol perhiasannya, dll. Memangnya kenapa? Itu hanya simbol. Dan itu hanya untuk gaya saja.

Saya akan membahas ulang trik-trik permainan debus yang saya dapatkan dari internet. Yang akan saya bahas adalah:
-Bangkit dari kematian
-Kebal silet
-Memotong dan menyambung lidah
-Memakan silet dan beling tipis
-Petasan dililit di sekujur tubuh
-Anti bacok dan naik tangga golok
-Tidur di atas hamparan paku
-Tusuk pipi
-Santet
-Makan cabe sepiring
-Makan bara api
-Makan kismis membara

Saya bahas satu per satu.

1. Bangkit dari Kematian

Seseorang ditusuk menggunakan pisau tajam. Lalu orang tersebut akhirnya mati. Mayatnya dikafankan, lalu dimasukkan dalam peti. Beberapa jam peti tersebut dibuka lagi, dan ternyata mayat tersebut hidup lagi.

Rahasia:
Pertama, sediakan kantong darah (bisa didapat di PMI). Atau kalau mau mungkin bisa juga dengan memakai air berwarna merah. Lalu kantong tersebut disembunyikan di dalam pakaian. Nantinya, Anda akan ditusuk di bagian yang terdapat kantong itu. Saat ditusuk, kantong darah robek, sehingga darah seolah-seolah merembes keluar dari perut Anda. Anda dianggap mati, lalu ditutup dengan kain kafan dan dimasukkan dalam peti. Lalu beberapa saat peti dibuka lagi (atau tinggal Anda gedor-gedor saja petinya), dan Anda pun keluar dari peti dengan selamat. Bekas lukanya pun sudah hilang (padahal dari awalnya memang Anda tidak luka).

2. Kebal silet

Seorang pemain debus membuktikan ketajaman siletnya terlebih dahulu dengan mengiriskannya pada kertas. Dan terbukti silet tersebut tajam. Namun, saat dia mencoba mengiriskannya pada lidah dan kulitnya, kulitnya tidak tergores.

Rahasia:
Anda beli saja silet. Kemudian salah satu sisi siletnya dibuat tumpul dengan cara menggesek-gesekkannya pada kaca atau batu dan sisi yang lainnya dibuat tumpul. Agar mudah membedakan mana yang tajam dan mana yang tidak, tumpulkan sisi yang ada bagian mereknya atau Anda bisa memberi tanda-tanda yang lain, sesuka Anda saja. Saat pertunjukan, Anda mengambil sebuah silet, menggoreskan sisi yang tajam pada selembar kertas. Lalu melakukan sedikit ritual aneh, dan mencoba menggoreskan sisi yang tumpul (yang sudah ditandai tadi) di kulit dan lidah Anda. Namun tidak terjadi apa-apa. Penontonpun keheranan dan menganggap Anda dibantu jin.

3. Memotong dan Menyambung Lidah

Si pemain debus mengaitkan lidahnya dengan pengait besi. Tidak hanya itu, si pemain kemudian memotong lidahnya sendiri! Dan setelah meminum air sakti dari pawang debus, dia kumur-kumur, dan lidahnya sudah tersambung kembali. Seram sekali!

Rahasia:
Pada permainan ini Anda menggunakan lidah palsu yaitu lidah sapi yang bisa dibeli di pasar. Lalu lidah tersebut direbus dan kulitnya dikeluarkan. Supaya lebih meyakinkan, warnai lidah tersebut dengan pewarna. Untuk menambah efek darah, Anda bisa membuat bungkusan kecil berisi cairan yang mirip darah. Anda siap tampil. Lidah palsu dimasukkan ke dalam mulut bersama dengan bungkusan kecil berisi cairan mirip darah. Saat menjulurkannya, hati-hati, dorong dengan lidah asli Anda dan tahan dengan himpitan bibir atau gigi Anda. Lalu lidah tersebut dikait dengan besi, tentu saja Anda tidak merasa sakit. Setelah itu lidah dipotong, Anda gigit bungkusan berisi cairan tadi, dan tampaklah darah mengucur dari lidah sapi yang terpotong tadi. Anda berpura-pura menyambung lagi lidah Anda dengan memasukkan lidah sapi tersebut ke dalam mulut Anda lagi, lalu Anda minum air sakti, kumur-kumur, dan lidah sapi tersebut dikunyah lalu ditelan. Atau Anda bisa memuntahkan lidah palsu itu saat Anda meminum air sakti tadi. Setelah lidah sapi sudah tidak ada lagi di mulut, perlihatkan pada penonton bahwa lidah Anda sudah tersambung kembali tanpa luka sedikitpun!

4. Memakan Silet Dan Beling Tipis

Pemain menunjukkan silet atau kaca beling neon. Lalu silet/beling tersebut dikunyah-kunyah dan ditelan dengan air dari ember.

Rahasia:
Permainan ini tidaklah seajaib seperti yang kita kira. Permainan ini hanya memerlukan keberanian dan sedikit kelincahan Anda. Pecahan beling/silet tadi kita masukka dalam mulut. Kunyah saja benda tersebut dengan gigi Anda, jangan digeser-geser agar tidak tergores dan jangan sampai terkena lidah atau pipi bagian dalam. Perlakuan ini akan menimbulkan efek tumbukan pada beling/silet sehingga benda tersebut hancur. Setelah halus, Anda boleh menelannya dengan air dari ember tanpa menyebabkan luka. Atau kalau masih tidak berani menelan butiran halus tersebut, Anda bisa memuntahkannya ke dalam ember saat Anda meminum airnya.

5. Petasan Dililit di Sekujur Badan

Tubuh pemain dililitkan petasan mulai dari dada sampai pahanya. Kemudian petasan tersebut dinyalakan dan meledak-ledak di sekujur badannya. Pakaiannya sobek-sobek, tetapi anehnya orang itu tidak luka sedikitpun. Sangat ajaib.

Rahasia:

Tentu saja permainan ini tidak mengandung unsur gaib sedikitpun. Sebenarnya, badan si pemain dilapisi dengan kulit sapi atau kulit kerbau yang kering. Setelah itu pemain memakai baju untuk menyembunyikan kulit palsu. Sebaiknya Anda memakai kacamata dan penyumbat telinga. Setelah petasan dinyalakan, tubuh Anda tidak akan mengalami cidera karena dilindungi oleh kulit palsu tersebut.

6. Anti Bacok Dan Naik Tangga Golok

Seorang pemain menebaskan golok pada sebatang tebu dan tebu tersebut terbelah. Tetapi saat pemain menebaskan golok di tubuhnya, tidak ada luka parah. Lalu 10 buah golok dijejerkan di tangga secara vertikal. Pemain jalan di atas golok tersebut, tapi tidak terjadi apa-apa.

Rahasia:

Siapkan sebuah golok Anda sendiri. Tumpulkan 3/4 bagian golok tersebut ke arah pegangannya. Dan 1/4 yang di bagian ujungnya dibiarkan tajam. Saat Anda menebas tebu, gunakan bagian golok yang tajam. Dan saat menebas tubuh Anda, gunakan bagian yang tumpul dan jangan dipukul terlalu keras saat sudah sampai di tubuh. Hanya akan memar sedikit dan nantinya langsung sembuh lagi. Untuk tangga golok, siapkan 10 golok dengan trik seperti yang tadi, 3/4 ditumpulkan dan yang di bagian ujung dibiarkan runcing. Setelah ketajaman semua golok dibuktikan, golok disusun di tangga. Pemain naik di bagian golok yang tidak tajam, dan tentu saja tidak akan terluka.

7. Tidur Di Atas Hamparan Paku

Sebuah papan yang di atasnya berjejer paku-paku diperlihatkan pada penonton. Papan berpaku tersebut diletakkan di lantai dan untuk membuktikan ketajamannya, sebuah semangka dijatuhkan dari atas dan ternyata semangka itu tertancap di paku-paku tersebut. Dan yang menakutkan, si pemain kemudian meniduri hamparan paku tersebut, lalu tubuhnya dinaiki oleh seorang penonton. Setelah selesai, si pemain berdiri kembali dan menunjukkan punggungnya dan ternyata tidak ada luka, hanya bekas-bekas paku tadi.

Rahasia:

Sediakan sebuah papan dan pakunya ditancapkan dari belakang sampai ujungnya tembus ke depan. Untuk lebih amannya, paku dibuat tidak terlalu lancip terlebih dahulu. Jarak paku di atas papan tidak boleh terlalu berjauhan, cukup sekitar tiga sentian. Semakin dekat jarak pakunya, maka semakin aman juga. Dan perlu diingat, ketinggian paku-paku tersebut harus sama, jangan sampai ada yang lebih menonjol agar paku-paku tersebut datar tiap ujungnya. Saat membuktikan ketajaman, semangka dijatuhkan ke atas hamparan paku tersebut dari ketinggian, dan akan menyebabkan semangka tersebut menancap di paku karena kecepatan dan gravitasi. Namun, saat pemain yang akan baring di atasnya, tubuh direbahkan perlahan-lahan. Saat penonton atau rekan menaiki badan pemain, pemain menarik nafas sebanyak-banyaknya dan ditahan agar mengurangi daya tekanan berat orang tersebut. Penonton memijakkan kaki di bagian dada dan perut pemain.

8. Tusuk Pipi

Pemain menusuk pipinya dengan kawat atau besi sampai tembus ke ujung pipi lainnya.

Rahasia:

Permainan ini tidak menggunakan trik, tapi tetap tidak perlu kekuatan gaib untuk bisa melakukannya. Besi yang digunakan bisa jeruji velg sepeda, kawat, ataupun jarum karung, yang penting lurus dan tidak bengkok. Alat tusuk diolesi terlebih dahulu dengan minyak agar tidak menggesek-gesek di daging saat ditusuk di pipi. Saat akan menusuk, jepit bagian yang akan ditusuk dengan jempol dan telunjuk, dan tancapkan dengan lancar dan cepat ke ujung yang lainnya. Saat mencabutnya juga harus dengan lincah. Darah akan keluar sedikit dan akan terasa ngilu, tapi tidak memberikan luka yang cukup serius. Lukanya akan cepat sembuh. Bagian lain yang bisa ditusuk adalah kulit leher, lidah, dan daun telinga. Kawat yang digunakan jangan terlalu besar dan yang lebih penting lagi, kawat harus steril dan bersih.

9. Santet

Dukun/pelaku memperlihatkan sebuah kelapa. Dan setelah semangka ditebas, di dalamnya terdapat paku, rambut, atau benda-benda aneh lainnya.

Rahasia:

Kelapa dilepaskan tangkainya (jangan dibuang), lalu dilubangi dengan bor (jika kelapa sudah tua) atau dengan paku. Lubangnya disesuaikan dengan benda yang akan dimasukkan (terserah Anda mau memasukkan apa). Setelah benda-benda itu dimasukkan, tangkainya tadi dilem kembali dengan perekat power glue. Kelapapun sudah bisa di perlihatkan pada orang lain, tinggal ditebas dengan golok, dan dari dalamnya bisa ditemukan benda-benda yang sudah Anda masukkan tadi.

10. Makan Cabe Rawit Sepiring

Pemain menantang penonton untuk mencoba memakan cabe rawit semangkuk atau piring. Ternyata tidak ada yang berani. Akhirnya, si pemain dengan berani memakan cabe rawit tersebut sampai habis tanpa merasa kepedasan sama sekali.

Rahasia:

Sebelum makan cabe rawit, Anda harus terlebih dahulu kumur-kumur selama 1 menit dengan minyak zaitun 3 sendok makan. Setelah kumur-kumur, minyak zaitun ditelan. Dan Andapun bisa memakan sepiring cabe rawit tanpa kepedasan.

11. Makan Bara Api

Pemain membakar batu arang dengan api. Lalu pemain dengan santai dan berani memasukkan batu arang tersebut dalam mulutnya tanpa kesakitan.

Rahasianya:

Seperti saat makan cabe rawit, Anda juga harus kumur-kumur dulu dengan minyak zaitun murni dan kunyah arang hitam di mulut. Olesi juga minyak zaitun di bibir. Anda membakar arang-arang kecil di piring dengan spiritus atau minyak tanah atau alkohol, kemudian dimasukkan ke dalam mulut. Untuk mematikan apinya, Anda hanya perlu mengumpulkan ludah Anda di arang tersebut dan arang tersebut akan padam.

12. Makan Kismis Membara

Pemain memakan kismis yang masih membara dengan api.

Rahasianya:

Kumur-kumur dengan zaitun lagi untuk berjaga-jaga saja. Kismis diletakkan di piring yang sudah dicampur dengan 2 sendok alkohol. Saat Anda hendak memasukkan kismis ke dalam mulut dengan keadaan kismis terbakar, Anda juga pura-pura mengucapkan "Hap!" sebelum kismis masuk, tujuan sebenarnya adalah untuk memadamkan apinya dengan cara ditiup.

Sumber: ForumSulap.com dengan sedikit editan.

Senin, 12 Juli 2010

Ragu

Utuh tidak utuh
Suram tak suram
Putih kelabukah hitamkah

Timbang-timbang

Berimbang

Bimbang

Bimbangkah aku?
Atau tak bimbang?
Hanya bodoh sesaat?

Biasanya aku kata ini:
Gila...!

Minggu, 04 Juli 2010

Hal-hal Absurd Yang Terdapat Pada Alkitab

Tadi waktu lagi main facebook, di grup ada kiriman link ini. karena bagus, sekalian saya share di sini saja. Tapi, saya convert ke Bahasa Indonesia. Hehehe... Aslinya dari sini. Langsung saja!

Kejadian

Allah menciptakan cahaya dan memisahkan cahaya dari kegelapan, dan siang dari malam, pada hari pertama. Walaupun begitu, dia belum membuat suatu objek yang memproduksi cahaya (seperti matahari dan bintang) sampai hari keempat (1:14-19). 1:3-5
Allah menghabiskan seperenam dari keseluruhan upaya kreatifnya (yaitu pada hari kedua) untuk menciptakan cakrawala yang solid. Struktur aneh yang oleh Allah disebut langit ini, dimaksudkan untuk memisahkan air yang lebih tinggi dari air yang lebih rendah. 1:6-8
Tumbuh-tumbuhan dibuat pada hari ketiga sebelum ada matahari yang akan menjalankan proses fotosintesis (1:14-19). 1:11
Dalam astrologi, Allah menempatkan matahari, bulan, dan bintang di dalam cakrawala, karena itu bisa digunakan "sebagai tanda". Tentu saja inilah tepatnya yang astrolog lakukan: membaca "tanda-tanda" dalam Zodiak dalam usaha memprediksi apa yang akan terjadi di Bumi. 1:14
"Dia juga menciptakan bintang-bintang." Allah menghabiskan waktu satu hari untuk membuat cahaya (sebelum dia membuat bintang) dan memisahkan cahaya dari kegelapan; lalu, di akhir pekerjaan berat selama sehari itu, mungkin seperti hampir kelupaan, dia membuat triliunan bintang. 1:16
"Dan Allah meletakkan semuanya itu di cakrawala untuk menerangi bumi." 1:17
Allah memerintahkan kita: "Beranakcuculah dan bertambah banyak; penuhilah bumi dan taklukkanlah itu, berkuasalah atas ikan-ikan di laut dan burung-burung di udara dan atas segala binatang yang merayap di bumi."
"Lihatlah, Aku memberikan kepadamu segala tumbuh-tumbuhan yang berbiji di seluruh bumi dan segala pohon-pohonan yang buahnya berbiji; itulah akan menjadi makananmu."
Karena banyak tumbuh-tumbuhan yang berkembang menghasilkan racun untuk melindungi diri dari binatang yang akan memakannya, saran Allah ini jadi terlihat lebih dari sekedar gegabah. Apakah Anda akan menyuruh anak Anda untuk keluar ke taman dan memakan semua tanaman yang dia lihat? Tentu saja tidak. Akan tetapi, kalau begitu, berarti Anda lebih baik dan lebih pintar daripada Tuhan. 1:29
"Dia beristirahat."
Kadang-kadang Tuhan juga bisa capek. 2:2
Pohon kehidupan dan pohon pengetahuan tentang yang baik dan yang jahat.
Tuhan menciptakan dua pohon ajaib: pohon kehidupan dan pohon pengetahuan. Jika buah dari pohon yang pertama dimakan, Anda akan hidup selamanya (3:22), dan jika Anda memakan buah dari pohon yang kedua, Anda akan mati pada saat itu juga (2:17). (Atau setidaknya itulah yang difirmankan Allah. Adam memakan buah dari pohon pengetahuan dan masih hidup selama 930 tahun lagi (5:5). Tapi dia tidak pernah mendapat kesempatan untuk makan dari pohon kehidupan. Allah mengusirnya jauh-jauh dari pohon kehidupan sebelum Adam sempat memakan buah dari pohon itu, lalu menjadi tuhan, dan hidup untuk selama-lamanya.) 2:9
Allah menciptakan binatang-binatang dan memperlihatkannya satu per satu kepada Adam untuk melihat apakah ada yang menarik perhatiannya. Tapi nampaknya tidak satupun dari binatang-binatang itu yang cukup memuaskan Adam untuk menjadi penolongnya. Setelah membuat binatang-binatang itu, Allah menyuruh Adam untuk menamainya satu per satu. Memberi nama kepada beberapa juta spesies binatang pasti membuat Adam sibuk untuk waktu yang cukup lama. 2:19-20
Allah memang pintar, ular yang bisa berbicara. 3:1
Allah berjalan-jalan di taman, dan bermain petak umpet dengan Adam dan Hawa. 3:8-11
Allah mengutuk si ular. Mulai saat itu si ular akan menjalar dengan perutnya dan debulah yang akan dia makan. Coba bayangkan bagaimana ular berjalan sebelum dikutuk Tuhan, mungkin melompat-lompat dengan ekornya? Tapi memangnya ular itu makanannya debu, ya? 3:14
Allah mengutuk tanah, dan tumbuhlah semak duri dan rumput duri. 3:17-18
Allah membunuh beberapa binatang dan membuatkan beberapa baju kulit untuk Adam dan Hawa. 3:21
"Sesungguhnya manusia itu telah menjadi seperti salah satu dari Kita."
Allah menghalau Adam dan Hawa dari taman sebelum mereka mendapatkan kesempatan untuk makan dari pohon ajaib yang satunya lagi -- pohon kehidupan. Allah tahu jika mereka memakannya, mereka akan menjadi "sama seperti salah satu dari Kita" dan hidup untuk selamanya. 3:22-24
Kain menjadi khawatir setelah membunuh Habel dan berkata, "barangsiapa yang akan bertemu dengan aku, tentulah akan membunuh aku." Pernyataan ini tentu sangat aneh karena menurut Alkitab hanya ada dua orang lain yang hidup saat itu -- kedua orangtuanya! 4:14
"Lalu Kain pergi dari hadapan Tuhan." 4:16
"Kain bersetubuh dengan istrinya ..." Baguslah, tapi dari mana istrinya itu muncul? 4:17
Lamekh membunuh seseorang dan mengklaim bahwa jika pembunuh Kain dibalaskan hukuman tujuh kali lipat, maka siapapun yang membunuh dirinya akan dibalaskan tujuh puluh tujuh kali lipat. Sepertinya kedengaran adil. 4:23-24
"Lahirlah seorang anak laki-laki bagi Set ..." Di mana dia menemukan istri? 4:26
Allah menciptakan laki-laki dan perempuan, dan menamakan keduanya "Adam". (Menurut: World English Bible, Webster's Bible Translation, English Revised Version, Darby Bible Translation, Douay-Rheims Bible, Bible in Basic English, American Standard Version, American King James Version, dan King James Bible. Sekarang sudah direvisi lagi.) Jadi, sebenarnya laki-laki dan perempuan pertama keduanya bernama Adam. (?) 5:2
Manusia-manusia pertama memiliki hidup yang sangat panjang. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11, 5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29
Henokh tidak mati, hanya saja dia naik ke surga. 5:21-24
Ketika Lamekh lahir, sembilan generasi hidup dalam waktu bersamaan. Adam, Set, Enos, Kenan, Mahalaleel, Yared, Henokh, Metusalah, dan Lamekh hidup sekaligus di saat kelahiran Lamekh. Adam hidup untuk melihat cucu besar-besar-besar-besar-besar-besarnya. 5:25
"Setelah Nuh berumur lima ratus tahun, ia memperanakkan Sem, Ham dan Yafet." Tiga anak sekaligus dalam satu tahun? Apakah itu dengan satu orang istri (tanpa nama) atau beberapa istri? 5:32
"Maka anak-anak Allah melihat, bahwa anak-anak perempuan manusia itu cantik-cantik, lalu mereka mengambil isteri dari antara perempuan-perempuan itu, siapa saja yang disukai mereka." Anak-anak Allah ini maksudnya siapa? Malaikat? (Atau mungkin alien seperti yang dipercayai oleh sebuah agama baru, Raelian?) 6:2-4
"Berfirmanlah TUHAN: "Roh-Ku tidak akan selama-lamanya tinggal di dalam manusia, karena manusia itu adalah daging, ..."" Tuhan memperpendek umur manusia karena manusia adalah "daging" dan dia lelah berseteru dengan mereka. 6:3
"Pada waktu itu orang-orang raksasa ada di bumi, ..." 6:4
Allah memutuskan untuk membunuh semua makhluk hidup karena kecenderungan hati manusia jahat. Belakangan (8:21), setelah membunuh segalanya, dia berjanji tidak akan pernah melakukannya lagi oleh karena kecenderungan hati manusia jahat. Bayangkan. 6:5
Allah menyesal. (Bukankah maha tahu?) 6:6-7
"Nuh adalah seorang yang benar dan tidak bercela."
Nuh disebut-sebut sebagai orang yang "benar dan tidak bercela", tapi dia tidak terlihat terlalu mengagumkan saat dia mabuk-mabukan dan telanjang di hadapan anak-anaknya lalu mengutuk Kanaan sebagai pelampiasannya (9:20-25). 6:9, 7:1
"Aku akan memusnahkan mereka bersama-sama dengan bumi."
Tuhan marah karena "bumi dipenuhi dengan kekerasan." Jadi dia membunuh seluruh makhluk hidup yang ada di bumi untuk mengurangi kekerasan di dunia. 6:11-13
Nuh diperintahkan untuk membuat perahu sepanjang 450 kaki. 6:14-15
Allah menyuruh Nuh untuk membuat jendela kecil (18 inch persegi) pada bahtera sebesar 450 kaki untuk dijadikan sebagai ventilasi. 6:16 ("You shall make a roof or window [a place for light] for the ark and finish it to a cubit [at least 18 inches] above--and the door of the ark you shall put in the side of it; and you shall make it with lower, second, and third stories.")
"... bawalah bagimu segala apa yang dapat dimakan ... untuk menjadi makanan bagimu dan bagi mereka." 6:21
"Dari segala binatang yang tidak haram haruslah kauambil tujuh pasang, jantan dan betinanya, tetapi dari binatang yang haram satu pasang, jantan dan betinanya." Bagaimana caranya Nuh tahu binatang mana yang haram dan tidak haram bagi Tuhan? (Hal itu tidak disebutkan sampai Imamat ditulis.) 7:2
Tidak peduli dua pasangan atau tujuh pasangan, Nuh mengambil yang jantan dan yang betina dari setiap jenis dari "segala yang melata di muka bumi." 7:8 (Gue juga ga ngerti yang ini? Maksudnya apa?)
Allah membuka "tingkap-tingkap di langit". Dia melakukan ini setiap kali hujan turun. 7:11
Semua binatang memasuki bahtera "pada hari itu juga". 7:13-14
"Maka Allah mengingat Nuh ..." Ya. Barangkali dia sedang mengatakan sesuatu seperti, "Tidakkah Nuh itu adalah orang yang membangun bahtera?" 8:1
"Ditutuplah mata-mata air samudera raya serta tingkap-tingkap di langit (windows of heaven) dan berhentilah hujan lebat dari langit." Ini terjadi setiap kali hujan berhenti turun. 8:2
Nuh melepaskan seekor burung untuk mencari tahu apakah daratan sudah muncul. Tapi burung itu kembali tanpa menemukan sebuah daratan. Lalu, hanya tujuh hari berikutnya, burung itu dilepaskan lagi dan kembali dengan membawa setangkai daun zaitun. Akan tetapi, bagaimana mungkin pohon zaitun selamat dari banjir? Dan walaupun mungkin ada bibit zaitun yang selamat, bibit itu tidak akan bertumbuh hanya dalam kurun waktu tujuh hari. (Bukankah lebih baik jika Tuhan yang langsung memberitahu kapan airnya surut?) 8:8-11
"... TUHAN mencium persembahan yang harum itu, ..." Nuh membunuh "binatang yang tidak haram" dan membakarnya sebagai persembahan untuk Allah. Jika melihat Kejadian 7:8, hal ini akan menyebabkan kepunahan seluruh binatang yang tidak haram karena hanya dua dari tiap jenisnya yang ditampung ke dalam bahtera. Lalu "Tuhan mencium persembahan yang harum itu." Setelah itu, Allah "berkata dalam hatinya" bahwa dia tidak akan memusnahkan makhluk hidup lagi karena "hati manusia itu jahat sejak kecilnya." Jadi Allah membunuh semua makhluk hidup (6:5) karena manusia itu jahat, dan kemudian berjanji untuk tidak melakukannya lagi (8:21) karena manusia jahat. Jalan pikiran Tuhan sungguh menakutkan. 8:20-21
Menurut ayat ini, seluruh binatang takut terhadap manusia. Walaupun memang benar bahwa banyak yang seperti itu, tapi kenyataan yang benar adalah ada juga beberapa yang tidak. Hiu dan beruang grizzly, misalnya, kenyataannya rasa takutnya kepada manusia sangat sedikit jika dibandingkan rasa takut manusia kepada beruang grizzly. 9:2
"... segala binatang di bumi ... ke dalam tanganmulah semuanya itu diserahkan." Allah memberikan seluruh binatang ke dalam tangan manusia, dan manusia boleh melakukan apapun yang disukainya kepada binatang. Ayat ini sering digunakan para pemercaya Alkitab untuk membenarkan segala tindakan mengerikan yang mereka lakukan terhadap binatang dan kerusakan lingkungan. 9:2
Allah sudah betul-betul menyesal karena sudah membunuh semua ciptaannya. Dia membuat kesepakatan kepada manusia dan binatang, dan berjanji tidak akan memusnahkan mereka lagi. Dia bahkan meletakkan busurnya (pelangi) di atas langit, sehingga kapanpun dia melihatnya, dia akan teringat pada janjinya sehingga dia tidak akan berniat untuk melakukannya lagi. (Setiap kali Tuhan melihat pelangi, dia akan berkata pada dirinya sendiri: "Oh ya... Benar. Aku sudah berjanji untuk tidak memusnahkan makhluk hidup lagi. Aku pikir aku harus mencari hal lain yang bisa dilakukan.") 9:9-13
"Setelah ia minum anggur, mabuklah ia dan ia telanjang dalam kemahnya." Nuh, si pemabuk dan telanjang. 9:20-21
Seluruh isi dari pasal kesepuluh adalah salah satu dari ayat silsilah keluarga (lihat 1 Kor 1-9, Mat 1:1-17, Luk 3:23-28 untuk contoh yang lainnya) yang diperintahkan oleh 1 Tim 1:4 dan Tit 3:9 untuk kita hindari. ("Hindarilah pertanyaan bodoh dan silsilah.") Jadi, ayat ini sepertinya tidak penting. 10:1-32
"And now nothing they have imagined they can do will be impossible for them. (Dan sekarang, mereka tidak lagi menganggap mustahil hal yang mereka pikir bisa mereka lakukan.)" Allah khawatir orang-orang akan berhasil membangun menara yang sangat tinggi sehingga bisa meraih dia (mereka?) di langit (surga), dan dengan begitu akan menjadi mahakuasa. 11:4-6
"Baiklah kita turun ..." Mungkin dia tidak sedang berbicara pada diri sendiri; mungkin ada lebih dari satu "mereka" di atas sana. Well, bagaimanapun banyaknya mereka di sana, mereka semua memutuskan turun untuk membingungkan para tukang bangunan dengan mengacaukan bahasa manusia yang ada dan menyerakkan mereka (manusia) ke seluruh bumi. 11:7
Lagi-lagi silsilah membosankan yang oleh 1 Tim 1:4 dan Tit 3:9 diperintahkan untuk kita jauhi. ("Hindarilah pertanyaan bodoh dan silsilah.") Coba lihat umur panjang para kepala keluarga itu setelah apa yang Allah katakan di Kejadian 6:3 ("Berfirmanlah TUHAN: "Roh-Ku tidak akan selama-lamanya tinggal di dalam manusia, karena manusia itu adalah daging, tetapi umurnya akan seratus dua puluh tahun saja.""). 11:10-32
Orang Amalek telah dikalahkan sebelum Amalek lahir. Amalek adalah cucu Esau (Kej 36:12). 14:7
"Lalu sujudlah Abram." 17:3 (?)
Abraham menertawakan Allah karena mengatakan bahwa dia dan Sarah akan mendapatkan anak, saat mereka masing-masing berusia 100 dan 90 tahun. 17:17
Abraham menyunat dirinya dan seluruh laki-laki di dalam rumahnya. Karena menurut Kej 14:14 dia memilik 318 budak, Abe tua yang malang pasti sibuk sekali dengan pisaunya. Tapi itu sepertinya tidak penting. Penis sangatlah merupakan hal yang penting bagi Allah. Dan dia tidak bisa membiarkan penis berkulup. 17:23-24
Abraham memberikan makanan kepada Tuhan dan tiga malaikat. 18:1-3
"Dia mengambil mentega, susu, dan daing lembu ... dan mereka memakannya." Bukan makanan yang terlalu baik untuk dimakan oleh Tuhan dan Abraham (Lihat Kel 23:19). 18:8
Sarah, yang umurnya sekitar 90 tahun dan sudah menjalani masa menopause, tertawa karena Allah mengatakan bahwa dia akan memiliki anak. Dia bertanya pada Tuhan jika dia akan "mendapatkan kenikmatan" dengan 'tuannya" (Abraham), saat mereka berdua sudah sangat tua. Allah menegaskan padanya bahwa dia akan kembali dan membuatnya mengandung pada waktu yang telah ditentukan. 18:11-14

Saudara/i.............................sekalian............. Karena saya sudah sangat capek men-translate, berikutnya silakan ditranslate sendiri yah. Listnya ada 1600 lebih jadi rasanya hampir mustahil kalau saya menerjemahkan semuanya. Tapi kalau ada waktu di lain hari, saya akan kembali mentranslatenya sedikit demi sedikit. Lebih bagusnya lagi, kalau kita semua langsung saja belajar bahasa inggris... Wkwkwkwk... Lanjut langsung dah...

God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham. 18:17
"I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
"And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8
Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38
Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8 he must have been about 16 years old. It must have been tough for poor Hagar to carry Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the shrubs." 21:14-18
Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to Exodus 6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah. 22:14
God swears to himself. 22:16
Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children without any help from God. 25:2
Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7
Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17
"She was barren."
In the Bible it's always the woman that are "barren", never the men. And when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little boys. 25:21-26
Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22
Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil soup. 25:33-34
Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7
Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and 13:3.) 28:19
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30
Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25
"And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12
Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30
Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25
God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go. 32:26-29
"What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name.) 32:27
God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28
"Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret.) 32:29
"Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a good reason!) 32:32
"I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God."
Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (Genesis 32:30), he ought to know what God looks like. So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau. So all those pictures of God that you've seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with red hair all over his body. 33:10
God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10
Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick. 35:15
Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28
Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43
Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (Gen.14:7) 36:12
"He rent his clothes." 37:29
"And Jacob rent his clothes." 37:34
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
There was a seven year, God-created famine over the entire earth. 41:56
"All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn."
The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. 41:57
"And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him."
Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Bible (and the Quran). 42:8
Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15
Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28
"He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12 Exodus
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26
The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE. (BBC: The tale of the basket) 2:3
God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26
Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3
God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3
Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively). 6:16, 18, 20
In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says, "Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:12, 6:30
God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick. Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13
After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks! Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not explained. 7:17-24
The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7
Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19
The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21
The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6
But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a couple more times.
The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12
Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14
God gave power to the Pharaoh so that he could show off his own power by killing him. 9:15-16
The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25
God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24
God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2
Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5
Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings." 10:21-23
God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13
"And the pillar of the cloud went from before their face, and stood behind them." 14:19
"It was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these."
God's special cloud was a cloud of darkness to the Egyptians, but a cloud of light to the Hebrews. 14:20
God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21
The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to 9:3-6 there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23
"The Lord ... took off their chariot wheels."
God (the devious mechanic) personally removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. 14:25
God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8
Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25
God appears to the Israelites and speaks from a cloud promising to send lots of food (quails and mana) from the sky. 16:10-12
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35
God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6
As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered. 17:11-12
"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16
A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18
Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26
If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28
If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29
"Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19
God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28
God has feet.24:10
Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30
God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made "for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40
God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30
Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35
God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42
Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
"They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43
God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14
God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21
God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-24
Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper. 30:20
Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33
And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38
God's finger. 31:18
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35
Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13
"And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone? 32:14
"I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf."
Aaron just threw the gold earings into the fire and (Presto!) out came a golden calf! 32:24
Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf. 32:25
Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning) 33:23
God's name is Jealous. 34:14
One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its mother's milk." 34:26
Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28
After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the Israelites. 34:30-35 Leviticus
God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
"For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 6:15, 6:21
"It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10
"The fat that covereth the inwards ... and the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver.... It is ... a sweet savour unto the Lord." 3:3-5
"The fat ... the whole rump ... the inwards ... the two kidneys ... burn it upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the LORD." 3:9-11
When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he doesn't like to share! 3:16
"If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27
"The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6
"And the skin of the bullock, and all his flesh, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung...."
What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from your burnt offerings. 4:11-12
"If the whole congregation ... sin through ignorance" 4:13
"Bring of the bullock's blood ... And the priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:16-17
"Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour out all the blood ... and ... take all his fat from him, and burn it upon the altar." 4:18-19
"When a ruler hath sinned ... through ignorance" 4:22
"If any one of the common people sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats, a female without blemish, for his sin which he hath sinned."
If a common person sins through ignorance, then kill a female goat. (More important people must kill male goats.) 4:27-28
"He shall take away all the fat ... and ... burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour unto the LORD." 4:31
"If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle, or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty."
If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2
"Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3
"Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good ... he shall be guilty."
If you swear to do something evil or good, you'll be guilty. 5:4
"He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6
"The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish."
If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15
"If a soul sin ... though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity."
If you sin against your own will, you are still guilty. 5:17
"Whatsoever shall touch the flesh thereof shall be holy."
Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering is holy. 6:27
"Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver." 7:3
"The priest shall have to himself the skin of the burnt offering."
The priest gets all the skin to himself. Lucky! 7:8
"And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan, and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it."
The priest also gets all the meat in the frying pan. 7:9
"And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have."
And Aaron's sons get all the meat and oil. 7:10
"The flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings for thanksgiving shall be eaten the same day that it is offered; he shall not leave any of it until the morning."
Be sure to eat all your sacrificed animals the same day that you kill them. Leftovers are not allowed! 7:15
"If any of the flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day ... it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrifcial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will never forgive you for it! 7:18
"And the flesh that toucheth any unclean thing shall not be eaten."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrficed animals if they have touched any unclean thing. 7:19
"But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings ... having his uncleanness upon him, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20
"Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any abominable unclean thing, and eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the LORD, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing") while eating sacrifieced animals, you will be exiled. 7:21
"Ye shall eat no manner of fat ... for whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD ... shall be cut off from his people."
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25
"Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood ... Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of blood, even that soul shall be cut off from his people." 7:26
"The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD." Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30
"And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31
"And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32
"He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33
"For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute forver. 7:34
"Moses brought Aaron and ... he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:6-7
"The Urim and Thummim"
The Urim and Thummim were like the two sides of a magic coin that could be flipped to to give a yes or no answer to any question. They were also what Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon. 8:8
Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32
"Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar." 8:15
"And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar." 8:16
"But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:17
"Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 8:23
"And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24
"And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25
"And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27
"Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28
"And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29
"And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments." 8:30
Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21
"And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar." 9:9
"But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses." 9:10
"And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver." 9:19
"And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21
God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24
God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7
If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9
"And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14
"The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15
God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15
Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12
Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19
Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20
Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23
Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31
If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41
"The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8
"Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination." 11:41
"Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42
"Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43
"She shall be unclean."
Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification. (And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5
"If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4
"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days."
If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5
"She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6
"She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7
"if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8
"And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean." 13:40
"And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean." 13:41
God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52
"Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ... and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4
"And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose." 14:7
"And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ... And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD." 14:10-12
"And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13
"And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ... put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14
"And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD." 14:16
"And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering." 14:17
"The priest shall offer the sin offering ... and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering." 14:19
"If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22
"And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:" 14:24
"And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25
"And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD." 14:27
"And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering." 14:28
"And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30
"Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering." 14:31
"He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:1-15
"Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4
"And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5
"And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6
"And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7
"And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8
"And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9
"And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10
"And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11
"And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water." 15:12
"He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18
"And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:20
"And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:21
"Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22
"And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even." 15:23
"Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26
"Whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean." 15:27
"This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean." 15:32-33
"I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat." 16:2
God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28
"Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14
"Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat." 16:15
"Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about." 16:18
"He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19
"Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man into the wilderness. And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities." 16:21-22
Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
"Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19
God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23
"Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times."
Don't eat anything with blood, or use magic or astrology. 19:26
"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."
Don't round the corners of your head or beard. 19:27
"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you."
Don't get an tatoos. 19:28
Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31
If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14
Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5
The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11
Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. 21:16-23
Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God. 21:18
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20
A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5
What to do if you eat some holy thing unwittingly. Important stuff that you need to know about. 22:14
God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18
"Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. Don't kill any blind , broken, maimed, or scabbed animials for him. It will just get him pissed off. (And, since you've been reading Leviticus, you know what God does when he's pissed off.) 22:19-24
God won't accept animal sacrifices from strangers, since strangers have blemishes and are corrupt. 22:25
Don't kill animals for God until they are at least eight days old. And don't kill mother and her young on the same day. You can kill the mom on one day and her young on the next. 22:27-28
"Keep my commandments, and do them."
God wants everyone to do all the stuff he's commanded in Leviticus. 22:31
God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8
God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41
"And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins." 26:18
"I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21
"I ... will punish you yet (another) seven times for your sins." 26:24
"And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." 26:26
"And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me ... then ... I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins." 26:27-28
"I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours." 26:31 Numbers
The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51
The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:11-31
"And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled."
If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not. 5:14
"Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:15-17
"And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:19
"Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21
"But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22
"And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24
"And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27
"And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." 5:28
"Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:31
"Take the Levites ... and let them shave all their flesh ... and so make themselves clean."
To get really clean, you've got to shave off your pubic hair. 8:6-7
All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal. 8:17
When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. 9:15
God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23
"And if ye go to war ... ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets ... and ye shall be saved from your enemies." 10:9
God continues (mis)leading the Israelites through the wilderness with a cloud. 10:11-12
"And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day." 10:34
"And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them. 11:1
The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck. 11:4, 19-20
"As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12
God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20
God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x10¹²) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31
"Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness"). 12:3
"If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6
"And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14
"They ... cut down ... a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff."
A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that's what you'd expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23
"And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
"Moses and Aaron fell on their faces." 14:5
"Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes." 14:6
"All the congregation bade stone them with stones."
The people have had enough of wandering around in the desert and they don't much want to fight giants (see 13:33), so they decide to stone Joshua and his merry men (with stones). 14:10a "The glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel."
But before the people get started with the stoning, God shows up in all his glory. 14:10b
God tells Moses that he is going to kill all of the Israelites -- every last whining one of the them, and then make a whole bunch of brand new Israelites. 14:12
Moses tries to talk God out of killing everyone by telling him that the Egyptians will hear about it and will say that he wasn't able to lead the Israelites to Israel, so he killed them all instead. 14:13-19
Thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night." 14:14
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13
God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24
"If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30
Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39
"And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face." 16:4
"The glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation." 16:19
"And they fell upon their faces." 16:22
After burning the the 250 guys that offered incense, God tells Moses to keep their censers (because they are holy) to remind everyone not to offer incense without a license. 16:36-40
"Behold ... the glory of the Lord appeared." 16:42
"And they fell upon their faces." 16:45
"Take a censer ... and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them."
Moses tells Aaron to burn some incense to make God quit killing people. (God just killed 250 for burning incense.) 16:45
Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds. 17:8
"They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close. 18:3
God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when he says "forever"? 18:17-19
"Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die." 18:22
"Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." 18:32
"This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded."
These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for everyone on earth. 19:1-22
The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe that when a red heifer is born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was born in March 2002 and has been declared ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years it can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they say, the end of the world. You can read all about it here in the National Review. 19:2
"Take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle ... seven times."
God's instructions for putting blood on fingers, sprinkling it around, and then burning the dung of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about. (That's why it's in the Bible!). 19:4-5
"Then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe ... and shall be unclean until the even." (The guy who burns the dung also has to take a bath, which sounds like a pretty good idea to me.) 19:7-8
"And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer ... and it shall be kept ... for a water of separation: it is a purification for sin."
After you kill and burn the dung of the red heifer have a clean guy gather the ashes and then be sure to keep them for "a water of separation: it is a purification for sin." 19:9
"He that gathereth the ashes of the heifer shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even; and it shall be ... a statute forever." 19:10
He that toucheth the dead body of any man shall be unclean seven days." (Bad news for understakers.) 19:11
He shall purify himself with it on the third day, and on the seventh day he shall be clean: but if he purify not himself the third day, then the seventh day he shall not be clean." (Use the "water of separation" made from the ashes of the dung of the red heifer. See 19:9.) 19:12
"Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself ... shall be cut off from Israel: because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him." 19:13
"When a man dieth in a tent: all that come into the tent, and all that is in the tent, shall be unclean seven days." 19:14
"And every open vessel, which hath no covering bound upon it, is unclean." (Don't you just hate it when people leave the lid off containers?) 19:15
"And whosoever toucheth one that is slain with a sword ... or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave, shall be unclean seven days." 19:16
"And for an unclean person they shall take of the ashes of the burnt heifer ... And a clean person shall take hyssop, and dip it in the water, and sprinkle it ... upon him that touched a bone, or one slain, or one dead, or a grave. And the clean person shall sprinkle upon the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day: and on the seventh day he shall purify himself, and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and shall be clean at even." (Well that sounds simple enough!) 19:17-19
"But the man that shall be unclean ... shall be cut off ... the water of separation hath not been sprinkled upon him; he is unclean." 19:20
"It shall be a perpetual statute ... that he that sprinkleth the water of separation shall wash his clothes; and he that toucheth the water of separation shall be unclean until even." 19:21
"And whatsoever the unclean person toucheth shall be unclean; and the soul that toucheth it shall be unclean until even." 19:22
And they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them." 20:6
Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the promised land. 20:8-12
Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11
God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6
To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8
"The Book of the wars of the Lord"
(One of the lost books of the Bible) 21:14
"And the ass saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23
God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9
God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as cog had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! 22:20-22
Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30
"Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face." 22:31
God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22
Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7
God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8
God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21
In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29
"The LORD's anger was kindled ... and he sware."
Even God gets angry and swears sometimes. 32:10
"He made them wander in the wilderness forty years."
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13
If a person accidentally kills someone, then she should go to a city of refuge. If she can get to the city of refuge before the "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) can catch her, then she is safe, at least until the high priest dies (I don't know what he has to do with it). But if she is caught outside the city of refuge, then the revenger of blood can kill her. 35:11-12
"If he smite him with an instrument of iron, so that he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:16
"If he smite him with throwing a stone, wherewith he may die, and he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:17
"Or if he smite him with an hand weapon of wood, wherewith he may die, and he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:18
"But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest" If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer. 35:26-28 Deuteronomy
"The people is greater and taller than we ... we have seen the sons of the Anakims there." More giants in the promised land. 1:28
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5
God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19
"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21
"The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done. 2:14-16
Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11
When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22
"Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version. 4:2
God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years. (God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 8:4
God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18
"A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims."
More giants! 9:2
Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16
After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19
God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32
Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1
"Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing." 14:3
This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10
To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18
Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21
Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1
God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8
Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22
Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together." 22:10
"Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together." 22:11
Thou shalt make fringes on your garments. 22:12
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2
God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the Lord. 24:4
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12
"I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead.
Don't worry God. I haven't offered any food to dead people. 26:14
Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
"Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20
"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21
"Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen." 27:22
"Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23
"Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26
"Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
"Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out." 28:19
"And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23
"The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:24
"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28
"The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44
The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5
God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6
"Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33
God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8
Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17
Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial. 34:5 Joshua
"Her house was upon the town wall, and she dwelt upon the wall."
Since Rahab's house was built on the wall, how did she and her family survive when the wall fell down? (See Joshua 6:20) 2:15
The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. Glory! 3:8-17
At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6
"Loose thy shoe from off thy foot."
The "captain of the Lord's host" visits Joshua and delivers the all-important message: "Take your shoes off." 5:13-15
"And Joshua fell on his face." 5:14
God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5
Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19
Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13
And Joshua ... fell to the earth upon his face." 7:6
"And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10
"The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11
In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13
"The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14, 10:42
"And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...." 12:4, 18:16
One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you." 23:10
God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12 Judges
Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7
"The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19
God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30
An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3
God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2
"Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber."
"Covering his feet" is the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom." 3:24
Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31
"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3
"The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20
"The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. 6:1
"They (the Midianites) came as grasshoppers for multitude; for both they and their camels were without number."
Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Numbers 31:7), and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:6
"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD."
This is always step three in God's four-step slavery/slaughter plan. 1: The Israelites do evil in the site of the Lord; 2: God sells them into slavery; 3: The Israelites cry unto the Lord; and 4: God kills the people he sold the Israelites to. 6:7
"There came an angel of the LORD, and sat under an oak ... And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour." 6:11-12
"And the LORD looked upon him, and said..."
God joins in the conversation with Gideon and the angel. 6:14
To prove he's for real, the angel makes fire come out of a rock, burning the flesh and cakes. 6:20-21
"The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet." 6:34
Gideon needs some (more) signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. (The buring flesh sign from 6:20-21 didn't satisfy him.) So he puts down some wool on the ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40
"The people that are with thee are too many."
God tells Gideon to reduce the size of his army so that they couldn't claim to have killed all the Midianites without him. God doesn't like to share credit for his killings. 7:2
God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7
"And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you." 7:7
The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12
Some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents. The barley cake smote the tent and -- well, anyway, it was a sign from God that he and Gideon would massacre the Midianites. 7:13-14
Gideon's men break three hundren picthers while holding lamps, blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon." 7:16-20
"Gideon made an ephod ... and all Israel went thither a whoring after it." 8:27
Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5
And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15
"Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy. 9:13
God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24
Abimelech and his men burned to death 1000 men and women who were trapped in a tower. (They had really big towers back then.) 9:49
"Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities." 10:3-4
God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).) 10:7
"And the children of Israel cried unto the LORD." 10:10
"And the LORD said unto the children of Israel ... I will deliver you no more ... Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen." 10:11-14
"And the children of Israel said unto the LORD, We have sinned ... And they put away the strange gods from among them, and served the LORD: and his soul was grieved for the misery of Israel." 10:15-16
"He rent his clothes." 11:35
42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Jephthah's army. 12:6
"Ibzan ... had thirty sons, and thirty daughters, whom he sent abroad, and took in thirty daughters." 12:8-9
Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14
"The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1
"And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son." 13:2-3
"The child shall be a Nazarite from the womb."
According to Numbers 6:6 Nazarites are not to touch any dead bodies. But Samson was a mass murderer. He must have touched hundreds of dead bodies. (Or did he just kill his victims, being careful not to touch them after they were dead?) 13:5
A man of God came unto me [Samson's mom]."
She didn't ask him any questions and he didn't tell her his name. 13:6
"The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her."
Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. 13:9
"Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?"
The angel had a secret name. (Clarence?, 007?, agent 99?) 13:18
"The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife ... fell on their faces." 13:20
"But the angel of the LORD did no more appear to Manoah and to his wife. Then Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD."
Manoah and his wife knew the angel was from God because they never saw him again. 13:21
"And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24
Samson's lust for the Philistine woman was "of the Lord." It was all a part of God's plan for killing Philistines. 14:4
Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh, flies, and maggots?). 14:5-8
"I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness."
That's the riddle. Whoever can figure it out before the week of partying is over will get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever can't will have to give Samuel 30 sheets and 30 garments. 14:12-13
"Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire." Samson's party buddies are taking the riddle seriously. They tell Samson's new Philistine wife to tell them the answer to the riddle or they'll burn her house down. 14:15
"And she wept before him the seven days ... and ... on the seventh day ... he told her ... and she told the riddle to ... her people." 14:17
Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4
"The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15
After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19
Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3
Delilah is paid by the Philistines to find out the magical source of Samson's strength and how he could be restrained. She asks Samson three times. He says he'd become as week as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she does that, but he breaks the bow strings. She askes again and he says to use ropes. So she uses ropes, but he breaks the ropes. Next he says to weave his braids into a cloth. So she does that, but he breaks out of that one too. 6:6-14
Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength was from God.) 16:17
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30
"The children of Israel ... gathered together as one man [along with] four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword."
After receiving the Levite's rotting-concubine-body-part-message (see the last chapter for the gory details), the entire population of Israel along with 400,000 soldiers gathered together to decide what to do about it. 20:1
"I took my concubine, and cut her in pieces, and sent her throughout all the country."
The Levite tells everyone his story (leaving out the part about how he gave his concubine to the mob to do with as they pleased), explaining the mysterious rotting body part messages that brought everyone in Israel together. 20:4-6
"And all the people arose as one man, saying...."
Can't you just picture it? After hearing the Levite's story, the entire population of Israel spoke in unison, saying "We will not any of us go to his tent, neither will we any of us turn into his house." 20:8
The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss. 20:16
After the Benjamites refuse to turn over the men from Gibeah (the town that wanted to have sex with the Levite but settled for his concubine instead), the Israelites asked God which tribe should go to war with them. God said the tribe of Judah should go first. So Judah goes to war, but the Benjamites with their sharp shooting lefties kill 22,000 Israelites. 20:18-21
After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again) if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed. 20:23-25
Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask again (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promises (he was just kidding the last couple times) that he "will deliver them into thine hand." 20:26-28
God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41
After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry. [There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)] 21:1-7
But they find a great solution. They check their records and find that no one from Jabeshgilead came to the rotting-concubine- body-part meeting. So they'll go and steal their women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:8
Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are destroyed out of Benjamin?" 21:16
"We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin." 21:18
So they come up with another brilliant plan. Have the Benjamites hide in the bushes and then catch the daughters of Shiloh when they come out to dance. So that's what they did and everyone lived happily ever after. 21:19-23 Ruth
"Then she fell on her face." 2:10
In the first chapter of Ruth (1:11), Naomi is too old to conceive, but now, in the fourth chapter, she functions as a wet nurse. 4:16 1 Samuel
"The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." 1:5
"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
"And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get her pregnant in the usual way? 2:21
A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli figured it that the voice must be God's. So the third time that God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10
God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11
Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18
When the Israelites saw the ark of the covenant, they shouted so loud that the ground shook. 4:5
The Philistines set the ark of God next to the god Dagon, and the next morning Dagon had mysteriously (miraculously?) fallen on his face. The same thing happened the next night, only this time his head and hands were cut off, too! After that, no one ever entered the house of Dagon again. 5:2-5
God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that is the way the cows went. So by this superstitious method we know that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 6:7-12
After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17
The LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them." 7:10-11
After God helped the Israelites slaughter the Philistines, Samuel erected a monument saying, "So far God has helped us." 7:12
Saul was the best looking guy in Israel and stood head and shoulders above everyone else. 9:2
God tells Samuel that Saul is the man he has chosen to be King. 9:17
Samuel found Saul's missing asses without even looking for them. You see, he's a seer -- just like Joseph Smith! 9:19-20
When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22
"But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27
Everyone (except the virgin women) in Jabeshgilead was killed by the non-Benjamite Israelites (see Judges 21:10-14), yet here just a few years later "all the men" are negotiating a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead men make treaties? I guess in the Bible they do! 11:1
"I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2
"And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7
"Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11
"So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain." 12:18
"Saul reigned one year; and when he had reigned two years over Israel...." Huh? 13:1
"Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines ... And Saul blew the trumpet throughout all the land, saying, Let the Hebrews hear."
After his son Jonathan killed some Philistines, Saul went around throughout Israel blowing a trumpet and saying, "Let the Hebrew hear." It is strange to read in the next chapter that Jonathan's God-assisted slaughter of 20 Philistines was "his first slaughter." Didn't this slaughter count, or what? 13:3
"The Philistines gathered ... as the sand which is on the sea shore."
OK. That might be a bit of an exaggeration. 13:5
"The LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart."
Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14
"In the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found."
There were only two swords in the entire Israelite army, Saul's and Jonathan's. 13:22
After Jonathan's first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with "a very great trembling." 14:15
"I did but taste a little honey ... and, lo, I must die."
Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43
"Samuel ... laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent."
Samuel was so upset that Saul left one Amalekite alive (instead of killing everyone like God commanded) that he tore his skirt. 15:27
"The LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel?"
God tells Samuel to quit moping around about Saul and get out and find another king. 16:1-3
"An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23
Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed him. 17:34-35
"David ... behaved himself wisely."
Like when he buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins a little later in this chapter. 18:5
"The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10
"Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with him, and was departed from Saul."
Saul was afraid of David because "the Lord was with him." I suppose the Lord even tagged along with David when he cut off the 200 Philistine foreskins in v.27. Did God hold the penises as David cut them off or vice versa. 18:12
"And David behaved himself wisely in all his ways; and the LORD was with him."
Read the story below (18:25-28) to see an example of David's wise behavior when God is with him. 18:14
"All Israel and Judah loved David, because he went out and came in before them." 18:16
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
"And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
(How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28
"David behaved ... wisely." 18:30
And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9
"Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying ... the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied."
Saul sent messengers to kill David. But when they messengers arrived and saw everyone prophesying, the spirit of the Lord came upon them too and they began prophesying. 19:20
"And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise." 19:21a
"And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also." 19:21b
"He [Saul] went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied."
Finally, Saul comes to see what's going on and the Spirit of God comes on him too and he prophesies. 19:23
Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24
"David ... fell on his face." 20:41
David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12
"Saul went in to cover his feet." (Saul took a leak.) 24:3
"Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily."
David snuck in and cut off a piece of Saul's skirt while he was relieving himself. Saul was so busy with his business that he didn't even see David or notice that his skirt was being cut. 24:4
"If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22
When Abigail saw David, she ... fell ... on her face." 25:23
"Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall". 25:34
They were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them."
David and Abishai sneak into Saul's tent and steal his spear and water jug without anyone noticing "because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them." 26:12
"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before. 27:8-11
"And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6
Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
"Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel." 28:11
"An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel." 28:14
"And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?" 28:15
"David said unto Achish, But what have I done ... that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?"
David was disappointed. He wanted to go kill Israelites with the Philistines. 29:8
The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the Philistines! 30:1
"The Amalekites ... slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way." Believers like to say that the Amalekites were so evil that God had to kill them all, even their women and children. Yet here the Amalekites behave far better than the Israelites by not killing their captives. (Compare these verses with God's command to Saul in 1 Sam.15:3.) 30:1-2
"David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him." 30:6
"And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them." 30:8
"David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men."
David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. He kills all of them except for 400 that escaped on camels. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8 and 27:8-9 for the last two times they were exterminated.) 30:17 2 Samuel
"David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites"
How could David find any Amalekites to slaughter? Saul already killed them all (except Agag, who was killed by Samuel). 1:1
According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But Saul killed all the Amalekites (except for Agag who Samuel hacked to death) as God commanded in 1 Sam.15:3, so how could he later be killed by one? 1:8-10
Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him."
When Bible characters get upset, they tear their clothes. 1:11
"David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up into any of the cities of Judah? And the LORD said unto him, Go up. And David said, Whither shall I go up? And he said, Unto Hebron." 2:1
Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
(It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)
David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14
"David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes."
Why do people in the Bible always they tear their clothes when they get upset? 3:31
"When David enquired of the LORD, he said ... come upon them over against the mulberry trees." 5:23
"When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines." 5:24
"The Lord of Hosts ... dwelleth between the cherubims." 6:2
"He fell on his face." 9:6
"Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me."
Nahash gouged out the eyes of Israelite messengers (or at least threatened to) in 1 Samuel 11. That's a strange way to show kindness! 10:2
"Hanun ... shaved off the one half of their beards, and cutt off their garments ... even to their buttocks."
That'll teach them! 10:4
After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24
"The Lord loved him ... and called his his name Jedidiah."
After God killed Bathsheba's baby boy, David got her pregnant again. God loved this baby (and so he decided not to kill it) and he called him Jedidiah, but everyone else called him Solomon. 12:24-25
David puts on a gold crown weighing 1 talent (somewhere between 26 and 60 kilograms).
(He had a very strong neck.) 12:30
"The king ... tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent." 13:31
"She fell on her face." 14:4
"Joab fell to the ground on his face." 14:22
"In all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him."
Absolom was the best looking guy in all of Israel. He didn't have a blemish on his whole body. 14:25
"He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
Since a shekel is about 11.5 grams, Absolom's hair weighed 2.3 kilograms! 14:25-26
"And David said, O LORD, I pray thee, turn the counsel of Ahithophel into foolishness." 15:31
"Shimei ... cursed still as he came ... and he cast stones at David ... And thus said Shimei when he cursed, Come out, come out, thou bloody man, and thou man of Belial."
Good for Shimei! It's about time David got what he deserved. 16:5-7
"The LORD hath returned upon thee all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose stead thou hast reigned; and the LORD hath delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom thy son: and, behold, thou art taken in thy mischief, because thou art a bloody man." 16:8
"The king said ... let him curse, because the LORD hath said unto him, Curse David ... let him curse; for the LORD hath bidden him." 16:10-11
"As David and his men went by the way, Shimei went along on the hill's side over against him, and cursed as he went, and threw stones at him, and cast dust." 16:13
"The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. 18:8
"And he fell ... upon his face." 18:25
Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in the fifth rib", of course. 20:10
"Then cried a wise woman out of the city ... Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall ... And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:16-22
A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites." So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. 21:1
To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9
"They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14
"Ishbibenob, which was of the sons of the giant" 21:16
"Saph, which was of the sons of the giant" 21:18
There ... was a man of great stature, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant." 21:20
"These four were born to the giant in Gath." 21:22
"The earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth." 22:8
"There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth." 22:9
"He ... came down; and darkness was under his feet." 22:10
"He rode upon a cherub, and did fly." 22:11
"The LORD thundered from heaven, and the most High (who?) uttered his voice." 22:14
"The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of his nostrils." 22:16
"I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God."
David is one of the most despicable characters in all fiction, yet here he brags about how perfect he is. (And God agrees with him! 22:22-24
The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8
Eleazar the son of Dodo killed so many Philistines that his hand stuck to his sword. 23:9-10
David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17
"Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them." 23:18
"Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand." 23:20-21
"Thrity and seven in all."
How come only 31 are listed in verses 24-39? 23:39
God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1
Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9
God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13
After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14
Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good God have to repent of the evil that he planned to do? 24:16 1 Kings
When Solomon was annointed king the people sang and shouted so loudly that it caused an earthquake! 1:39-40
"The LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee."
God appeared to Solomon in a dream and offered him whatever he wanted. 3:5
God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk." 3:12-14
And Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream."
It was only a dream. None of it every happened. God didn't appear to Solomon and God didn't make him the wisest person on earth. It was just a silly dream like we all have now and then. 3:15
How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4) 4:29-31
"He was wiser than ... Heman." 4:31
The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2 , God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2
When the priests brought the ark into the temple, a "cloud filled the house of the LORD So that the priests" could no see. 8:10-11
God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35
When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 8:63
The LORD appeared to Solomon the second time ... and the LORD said unto him...."
God and Solomon have a long face to face talk. 9:2-3
"They came to Ophir, and fetched from thence gold, four hundred and twenty talents, and brought it to king Solomon."
420 talents would be about 31,500 pounds of gold, which would be worth more than one half billion U.S. dollars today. 9:28
"She gave the king an hundred and twenty talents of gold."
Since a talent was about 75 pounds, the Queen of Sheba gave Solomon 9000 pounds of gold, which would be worth around 144 million U.S. dollars today. 10:10
"The weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred threescore and six talents of gold."
Every year, Solomon received 666 talents of gold, which sounds a bit satanic to me. (666 talents of gold would weigh about 50,000 pounds and would be worth nearly 800 million U.S. dollars today.) 10:14
"And the king made silver to be in Jerusalem as stones."
When Solomon was king, silver was as common as stones in Jerusalem. 10:27
"King Solomon loved many strange women."
God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. 11:1
"He had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines." 11:3
His wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God."
The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kings 4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods. 11:4
His heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father ... Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD, and went not fully after the LORD, as did David his father." David was one of the most disgusting characters in all fiction, yet "his heart was perfect with the Lord." 11:4, 6
"Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon."
Solomon (the wisest man that ever lived) worshipped many gods, including Ashtoreth, Micom, Chemosh, and Molech. 11:7
"The LORD stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
To punish Solomon for his strange wives and strange gods, God "stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite." 11:14
"Joab ... had smitten every male in Edom."

Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kings 8:22) 11:15-16
"And God stirred him up another adversary, Rezon." 11:23
"Ahijah caught the new garment that was on him, and rent it in twelve pieces ... for thus saith the LORD, the God of Israel, Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon." 11:30-31
"They ... have not walked in my ways, to do that which is right in mine eyes, and to keep my statutes and my judgments, as did David his father." 11:33
"David my servant ... whom I chose, because he kept my commandments and my statutes." 11:34
"Jerusalem, the city which I have chosen."
God likes Jerusalem better than any other city. 11:36
"If thou wilt ... walk in my ways, and do that is right in my sight, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as David my servant did...." 11:38
"I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14
"The king took counsel, and made two calves of gold, and said unto them ... behold thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt." 12:28
"And this thing became a sin." 12:30
"There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD ... and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said, O altar, altar...." 13:1-2
This is the sign which the LORD hath spoken; Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out ... The altar also was rent, and the ashes poured out from the altar, according to the sign which the man of God had given by the word of the LORD." 13:3-5
"And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up ... And the man of God besought the LORD, and the king's hand was restored him again."
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6
"A lion met him by the way, and slew him."
So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sent a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24
After killing the "man of God" for God, the lion hung around with the ass and the carcass on the side of the road for a few days. 13:24-25, 28
"When the prophet ... heard thereof, he said, It is the man of God, who was disobedient unto the word of the LORD: therefore the LORD hath delivered him unto the lion, which hath torn him, and slain him, according to the word of the LORD." 13:26
Everything that David did was right in the eyes of the Lord. (See here for a sample of what God considers "right".) 14:8
"But [Jeroboam] hast done evil above all that were before thee."
Jeroboam did more evil than everyone who has ever lived. 14:9
Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21
During Rehoboam's reign, every tree had a shrine with a sacred stone and every hill an Asherah pole. 14:23
"And his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father." 15:3
"For David's sake"
God has a hard-on for David. He'll do just about anything for David's sake. 15:4
"David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite."
David never sinned, "save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite." 15:5
Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10
"Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As did David his father." 15:11
"Omri ... did worse than all that were before him."
Omni was the worst person that ever existed (up to that time, anyway). 16:25
"Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the LORD above all that were before him."
Ahab was the worst person that ever existed. He replaced his father Omri as the worst person in the world. 16:30
"Ahab did more to provoke the LORD God of Israel to anger than all the kings of Israel that were before him." 16:33
Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. 17:6
Elijah resurrects the widow's son. 17:22
"He ... fell on his face." 18:7
"The fire of the Lord fell, and consumed ... stones." 18:38
"And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces." 18:39
"An angel touched him."
Elijah was touched by an angel. 19:5
"Behold, there was a cake ... and he did eat."
Elijah ate some angel food cake. 19:6
"He arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights."
Elijah went forty days on two (angel food cake) meals. 19:8
God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12
"The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills."
God killed 127,000 Syrians because they called him a "God of the hills." (See verses 28-30) 20:23
God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30
"A man of God ... said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD."
God kills 127,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills but not God of the valleys. 20:28
"The children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day." 20:29
"There a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left." 20:30
There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. True story. 20:35-36
"A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him." 20:35 Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him." 20:36
"When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes." 21:27
"And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab?"
God asks for volunteer among the guys hanging out with him. He wants one of them to lie for him so that he can get Ahab kiiled. 22:19-22
God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23 2 Kings
He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. And he said, It is Elijah." (Nobody dresses like Elijah!) 1:8
Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. 1:10, 12
When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just smacks the water with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8
"Elisha said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me." 2:9
"Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." 2:11
"He took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces." 2:12
Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle. 2:14
Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22
God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's eyes, and his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times. 4:32-35
Elisha put some meal (flour) in a pot to counteract the poison in a pot of stew. 4:40-41
"When the king of Israel had read the letter ... he rent his clothes." 5:7
"When Elisha the man of God had heard that the king of Israel had rent his clothes, that he sent to the king, saying, Wherefore hast thou rent thy clothes?" 5:8
Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14
Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that one! 6:6
"Elisha ... telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy bedchamber."
Elisha is clairaudient (acquires psychic knowledge by auditory means). 6:12
Elisha prayed and "behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." 6:17
With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then restores their sight. 6:18-20
"An ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver." 6:25
When the king heard the words of the woman ... he rent his clothes." 6:30
God forcasts the commodities market: Tommorow about this time, flour with sell for this and barley for that. 7:1
God made noises to scare the Syrians. He's such a clever guy! 7:6
The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their males had just recently been killed? (1 Kg.11:16) 8:22
Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins." 9:1
"Wherefore came this mad fellow to thee?"
One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course, he was). 9:11
"He driveth furiously."
Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers. 9:20
Elisha tells Joash to shoot an arrow out the window. Joash shoots the magic arrow out the window, which guarantees that he will "smite the Syrians" until he "consumes them." 13:15-17
Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at him, saying he should have struck the ground five or six times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out Syria, but now since he only struck the ground three times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times. Shucks! 13:18-19
A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21
According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years old! 16:2
Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old. His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah! 18:1-2
While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the sight of the Lord," he broke the brazen serpent that God told Moses to make in Num.21:8. 18:3-4
"Shebna ... and Joah with their clothes rent."
People either tear their clothes or fall on their face when they get upset in the Bible. 18:37
"When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 19:1
An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35
Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered." 20:7
Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11
God plans to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12
"I [God] will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down." 21:13
"When the king had heard the words of the book of the law, that he rent his clothes." 22:11
"Because ... thou ... hast rent thy clothes." 22:19 1 Chronicles
The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid (see 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9). Chapters 1-9
Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this verse. 3:20
Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this verse. 3:22
As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from Saul's genealogy are repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38, 9:35-44
"So David waxed greater and greater: for the LORD of hosts was with him."
It would be hard to find a more disgusting character in all fiction than David, but "the Lord of hosts was with him." 11:9
The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one time. 11:11
Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance." 11:12-14
David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 11:17-19
Abishai killed 300 men with his spear. 11:20
"Benaiah ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion." 11:22
The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer on the mountains. 12:8
"The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them into his hand. 14:10
"David enquired again of God; and God said unto him, Go not up after them; turn away from them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees." (How stupid can a Bible story get?) 14:14
God tells David to listen for a sound in the mulberry trees. That sound will mean that God has already killed the Philistines. 14:15
David gave every man and woman in Israel a large bottle of wine. 16:3
David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4
David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very strong neck.) 20:2
"The children of the giant" 20:4
"A man of great stature ... he also was the son of a giant." 20:6
"These were born unto the giant in Gath." 20:8
According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5
"David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the LORD stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem." 21:16a
"Then David and the elders ... fell on their faces." 21:16b
David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14
"The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But only five are listed. 25:3
King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7
As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today's market.) 29:7
"And the fame of David went out into all lands; and the LORD brought the fear of him upon all nations." (Even the Native Americans, Polynesians, and Chinese emperors feared David!) 14:17 2 Chronicles
Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct a small chapel. (See 1 Kg.6:2 where the dimensions of the building are given as approximately 90 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2
"Remember the mercies of David." 6:42
"When Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices." 7:1
Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 7:5
God sent Shishak, the king of Egypt, to attack Jerusalem because Rehoboam "and all Israel trangressed against the Lord." Shishak had 1200 chariots, 60,000 horsement and "people without number" and he attacked Judah and "took the fenced cities which pertained to Judah." When Shishak's army came to Jerusalem, "the princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves" and said, "The Lord is righteous." So God decided not to destroy Jerusalem, but just make them Shishak's slaves instead. 12:2-12
Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4
A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17
In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14
Everybody loved Asa and wanted to follow him because they could see that God was with him. 15:9
Executing non-believers brings peace. 15:15
According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah in the 36th year of Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says that Baasha died in the 26th year of Asa's reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still fighting 10 years after his death! 16:1
"The eyes of the Lord run to and fro." 16:9
Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12
The trouble with prophets 18:5-34
God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about people. 18:21-22
The spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattanaiah) and told the people of Judah that they didn't have to fight against the Moabites, Ammonites, and Edomites. God would fight for them. And he did. God fought for them by forcing the members of the opposing army to kill each other. Then the people of Judah spent three days stripping the jewels and other valuables from the dead bodies. 20:14-25
Jeroham "caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication." 21:11
"There came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet."
Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kg.2:11, 8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him? 21:12
Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for eight years and then died (a 40 years old). After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2). So the son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 21:20, 22:1-2
"Then Athaliah rent her clothes." 23:13
"Jehoiada ... was full ... an hundred and thirty years old was he when he died." 24:15
"The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying, Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there passed by a wild beast that was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle." 25:18
God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
"He (Ahaz) ... burnt incense ... under every green tree." 28:4
Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day. 28:6, 8
"All Israel ... went out to the cities of Judah, and brake the images in pieces, and cut down the groves, and threw down the high places and the altars out of all Judah ... until they had utterly destroyed them all." 31:1
An eight year-old king (Jehoiachin) did "evil in the sight of the Lord." 36:9
"The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's that for a strange ending? Actually, the last two verses from 2 Chronicles are taken from the first few verses of Ezra. It just happens that whoever decided to tack these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to finish the sentence! 36:22-23 Ezra
In verse 11, the total number of items listed in the previous two verses is said to be 5400. The actual total is 2499. 1:9-11
God's magical Urim and Thummim 2:63
"The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree hundred and threescore [42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the numbers in the list just given in Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different number: 29,818. 2:65
When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3 Nehemiah
Nehemiah gets so upset that he shakes his lap. 5:13
God's magical Urim and Thummim 7:65
Here we are told that the whole congregation totaled 42,360. But if we just total up the numbers given in Neh.7:8-62 we come up with only 31,089. 7:66
The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years. (God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 9:21
Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27 Esther
At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
(How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-11 Job
God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know), and Satan answered saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired Mark Twain's Letters From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2
God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12
God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:22
God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-6
"So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7
Job asks the important question: "Is there any taste in the white of an egg?" 6:6
Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell does! 8:3
Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17
"His breasts are full of milk." 21:24
When things were going well for Job he washed his steps with butter and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6
Poor Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound pleasant. 30:27
Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29
"That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it."
God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it.
38:13
God speaks to people in dreams and visions while they sleep. (They're called nightmares.) 33:14-16
"By the breath of God frost is given." 37:10
"Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven. 38:37
"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10
Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16
"Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1-34
After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of kids (1:19), he is given an even better set -- with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15
Job lived to be 140 years old. 42:16 Psalms
"The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9
God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3
God's eyelids. 11:4
Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1
"My reins also instruct me in the night seasons."
Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7
God's lips 17:4
The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8
God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under his feet. 18:9
God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10
"The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15
"Try my reins and my heart."
Jesus will search your kidneys 26:2
"The Lord is upon many waters. ... The Lord sitteth upon the flood." 29:3, 10
God's voice is so loud it can break the cedars of Lebanon. 29:5
"He maketh them also to skip ... like a young unicorn." 29:6
Those who fear God never starve. 33:19
Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."
Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19
Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4
The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. In fact, now you can buy a candle that smells just like Jesus! 45:8
Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3
According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8
They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14
"The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10
"The earth shook, the heavens also dropped at the presence of God: even Sinai itself was moved at the presence of God." 68:8
God has 20,000 chariots and thousands of angels. "The Lord is among them." 68:17
The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28
"I was pricked in my reins."
("Reins" means kidneys in the Bible.) 73:21
God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan. 74:13-14
"The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid." 77:16
"The earth trembled and shook."
Thunder, lightning, and earthquakes are the voice of God. 77:18
"The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry, and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22
Man did eat angels' food." 78:25
"And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66
"I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6
"I will make mention of Rahab"
Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4
"Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10
The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn." 92:10
"They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing." Being fat is is sure sign of righteousnous. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.) 02:12-14
"A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3
"The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3
"He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33
"The waters stood above the mountains."
Noah's flood covered the highest mountains, just like it says in Genesis 7:20. 104:6-7
God swears. 110:4
"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15
Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70
"The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6
"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1
"He giveth his beloved sleep."
Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can sleep in and let God take care you. 127:2
"To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10
God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:15
God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18
God is in hell. 139:8
Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7 Proverbs
"Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things; just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5
If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of wine. 3:9-10
"A naughty person, a wicked man ... winketh with his eyes."
Naughty, wicked people wink. (Like Sarah Palin) 6:12-13, 10:10
God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to become wealthy. 10:3
"The liberal soul shall be made fat." 11:25
Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21
The soul of the diligent shall be made fat."
God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.) 13:4
How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25
"The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3
"The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31
All games of chance (gambling) are controlled by God. 16:33
"The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly." 20:27
"The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29
"The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30
Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper. 22:4
Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6
"To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with disrespect.) 28:21
"Yea, my reins shall rejoice."
("Reins" is the Bible's word for kidneys.) 23:16
If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22
"He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat."
So that's why there are so many fat Christians! (And starving non-Christians.) 28:25
"Every word of God is pure. See Ezekiel 23:20 and Malachi 2:3 for just two examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5
One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid." 30:18-19
"The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33 Ecclesiastes
"He hath made every thing beautiful."
Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11 Song of Solomon
"We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10 Isaiah
The mouth of the Lord 1:20
"When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
(Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21
After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5
"He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." 5:25
God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26
An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7
"The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18
God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25
"And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22
Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
"Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11
God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5
While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3
"The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18
God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
"The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
(Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20
God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1
God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14
Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7
Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6
"The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26
God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28
"The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his arm." 30:30
God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33
God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3
"The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4
"And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
"The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the raven shall dwell in it."
Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11
Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14
"And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8
"When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 37:1
An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36
God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8
The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7
"The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image."
God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20
God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13
Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20
"He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16
"I have sworn by myself." 45:23
God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16
"And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23
God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10
God shows off his bare arm. 52:10
"Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9
Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5
Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12
"Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16
"For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee." 62:5
"I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6
Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6
Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things" or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17
Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24 Jeremiah
God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8
Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4
"Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10
God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires, and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" and other gods. 7:18
"I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17
God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11
Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26
"For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold." ( God hates Christmas trees.) 10:3-4
When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes earthquakes.) 10:10
Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22
"O LORD of hosts ... that triest the reins and the heart"
Jesus will search your kidneys 11:20
God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a girdle. He tells him not to wash it, but to hide it in a rock. Jeremiah does as he's told. But, alas, when he goes to retrieve it, it was ruined. Darn! 13:1-7
Apparently, the point of the girdle story (13:1-7) was to say that worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10
God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27
The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6
God is weary of repenting. (It does get tiring after a while, doesn't it?) 15:6
God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or friends, by saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man." 17:5
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."
Everyone is a wicked liar. 17:9
"I try the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 17:10
God admits that he does evil things to people once in a while. (Nobody's perfect.) 18:11
God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16
God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17
God says he will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3
And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss. 19:7-9
"O LORD of hosts, that ... seest the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 20:12
God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm." 21:5
God swears to himself. 22:5, 49:13, 51:14
"The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad." God hates figs, at least the "very naughty" kind. 24:2-3
God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars, he mightily roars, and he shouts. 25:30
God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar, "his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve him. 27:6, 28:14
God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." (God hates figs.) 29:17-18
There will come a time when all men will have the pains of childbirth. 30:6
Baruch read the words of Jeremiah and all of the people heard him. (He had a very loud voice.) 36:10
It took thirty men to lift Jeremiah out of the dungeon. (He was a very big man.) 38:10
"I repent me of the evil that I have done unto you." (It's about time!) 42:10
"O thou sword of the Lord, how long will it be ere thou be quiet?" Good question. Someone needs to take the sword away from the big guy. 47:6
God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss in astonishment. 49:17
Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been seen. 49:33
Jeremiah gave a copy of the book he had written to Seraiah and told him to read it and then tie a rock to it and throw it in the river. 51:61-63 Lamentations
"Out of the mouth of the Most High proceedeth not good and evil?" Mostly evil, I'd say -- at least if you believe the Bible. 3:38 Ezekiel
Ezekiel begins by telling us what day it is. It's the 13th year, 4th month, and 5th day. But the 13th year etc. of what exactly? 1:1, 8:1, 20:1, 24:1, 26:1, 29:1, 30:20, 32:1, 32:17
Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting. 1:4
Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox, and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf's soles. Well, maybe he'll feel better in the morning.1:5-10
Ezekiel sees God's loins. 1:27
"And when I saw it, I fell upon my face." 1:28
God tells Ezekiel to eat a scroll and to "fill his bowels" with it. He does, and finds it to be as sweet as honey. 2:9, 3:1-3
The spirit lifted Ezekiel into the air and transported him to the river of Chebar, where he sat astonished for seven days. 3:14-15
"Behold, the glory of the Lord stood there ... and I fell on my face." 3:23
The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak. 3:24-26
God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. "And thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days." I'll bet he had some killer bed sores after that! 4:4-9
God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12
God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second portion about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3
God tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence." 6:11
Ezekiel proclaims that the world (which is flat and has four corners) is ending. 7:2, 6
Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the first time.) 8:2
Ezekiel sees God's hand come down and pluck out a hair from his head. 8:3
"While they were slaying them ... I fell on my face." 9:8
A sapphire stone that looked like a throne appears in the firmament, and a man clothed with linen is told by God to scatter coals over the city. 10:1-2
Ezekiel sees bodies, backs, hands, wings, and wheels that were "full of eyes round about."10:12
Each cherub has four faces, four wings, and four human hands. 10:20-21
"Then fell I down upon my face." 11:13
God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on it. 13:14-15
"Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21
Nebuchadrezzar, "king of kings" -- so that's who that movie is about! 26:7
"And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16
Ezekiel brings dry bones to life to make "an exceeding great army." 37:7-10
"Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, O my people, I will open your graves, and cause you to come up out of your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel." 37:12
God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. 37:15-17
God will get so darned angry that his fury will come up in his face so that even the fish, birds, beasts, and bugs will shake when they see him. God will throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and mountain. 38:18-20
"Behold, the glory of the LORD filled the house of the LORD: and I fell upon my face." 44:4
"I fell upon my face." 43:3
Priests must wear linen when they are in the sanctuary. No wool is permitted. And whatever they wear, it must not cause them to sweat. God hates sweat! 44:17-18 Daniel
In all matters of wisdom and understanding ... the king ... found them [Daniel and his friends] ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers in his realm. 1:20 "King Nebuchadnezzar fell upon his face, and worshipped Daniel." 2:46
Nebuchadnezzar built a statue of gold sixty cubits high and six cubits wide. Taking a cubit to be 18 inches and assuming the depth to also be six cubits, this would give a total volume of 270 cubic yards -- which would have probably been more than all of the gold in all of the kingdoms of the world at that time. 3:1
Daniel's three friends were cast into a fiery furnace, but were totally unaffected -- not even a hair was singed. And they were joined by the Son of God (Jesus?), himself! At least that's who Nebuchadnezzar thought it looked like. 3:25-27
This part of the Bible was written by Nebuchadnezzar. 4:1-18
Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, his hair becomes like eagle feathers and his nails like bird claws. 4:32-33
A detached hand writes upon the wall, and when the king sees it "the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against the other." 5:5-6
Daniel was cast into the lions' den, but they didn't hurt him since God sent angel to shut the lions' mouths. 6:16-22
God's hair is white (but you already knew that!). 7:9
"I was afraid, and fell upon my face." 8:17
"I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If Daniel couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?) This is the one true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood it." 8:27 Daniel sees a man fly swiftly. 9:21
Daniel is literally "Touched By An Angel." 10:16 Hosea
God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3
"I will destroy her vines and her fig trees." (God hates figs.) 2:12
God acts like a jealous lover. 2:13
Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and all the animals are dying. 4:3
"They have made princes, and I knew it not." 8:4
God can roar like a lion. 11:10
God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion. 13:7-8 Joel
The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments them by burning their food and drying up the rivers. 1:18-20
"The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14
"A day of darkness and of gloominess, a day of clouds and of thick darkness"
"The day of the Lord" will be dark and gloomy -- like a northern Idaho spring day. 2:2
On "the Lord's day", God's magical soldiers will not die when mortally wounded. 2:8
On "the day of the Lord" there will be earthquakes, the sun and the moon will be dark, and the stars will no longer shine. 2:10
God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused -- which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26
"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31
The Lord will roar and the heavens and earth will shake. 3:16 Amos
The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:10
God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he only mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So God burned Moab because they burned some bones. 2:12
God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9
On the day of God's wrath, brave men "shall flee away naked." 2:16
God afflicts the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine) and drought. And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9
God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes t1e "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." 4:10
Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord," but according to these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20
"Wo to them ... that chant to the sound of the viol, and invent to themselves instruments of musick."
Wo to musicians. 6:1, 5
"Woe to them ... that drink wine in bowls." 6:1, 6
"The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself ... I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city." God swears to himself that he hates Jacob's palaces, so he will deliver up the city (and kill everyone in it). 6:8
"Hold thy tongue: for we may not make mention of the name of the LORD."
(If God hears you, he'll probably kill you, too.) 6:10
God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7
God swears "by the excellency of Jacob." 8:7
"Shall not the land tremble for this?"
(Earthquakes are a punishment from God.) 8:8
Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1
God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a sea-serpent. 9:1-4 Obadiah
"We have heard a rumour from the LORD." 1
"For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15 Jonah
Jonah fled "from the presence of the Lord." (There are some places where God can't find you.) 1:3, 10
The sailors cast lots to see who was causing the storm. And it worked, too (casting lots always does), since the lot fell on Jonah. 1:7
Jonah believes that by throwing himself into the sea, the storm will die down. And it worked! 1:12-15
God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17
Jonah says a little prayer from the fish's belly. 2:1
God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry land. 2:10
"Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey." That would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles! 3:3
Everyone in Nineveh (pop. 120,000) turned to God? Jonah must be one hell of a preacher! 3:5
God wants the "beasts" to cover themselves with sackcloth and "cry mightily unto God." 3:8
Jonah was angry when his preaching converted a city. 4:1
God prepares a gourd to shade Jonah's head. Then he prepares a worm to destroy the gourd. What a clever guy! 4:6-7 Micah
"The LORD ... will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth." 1:3
"The mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft ... and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley."
(Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are caused by God's anger.) 1:4-6
God (or Micah?) will "wail and howl" and "go stripped and naked." 1:8
Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil , but only two verses later, he devises evil against "this family." 2:1, 3
Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5
"The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never change. 3:11
"Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom."
Advice like this is only found in the Bible. 7:5 Nahum
"The clouds are the dust of his feet." 1:3
Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. 1:5
"Knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins." 2:10
"Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will burn her chariots." 2:13
God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6 Habakkuk
The Chaldeans' horses were faster than leopards and more fierce than wolves. 1:8
"God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5
God measured the earth, scattered mountains, and made the hills bow down. 3:6
"Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15 Zephaniah
"The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7
God "will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel" or "leap on the threshold." 1:8-9
God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil." 1:12
"The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14
"The cormorant and the bittern shall lodge in the upper lintels of it."
A prophecy for birdwathers. 2:14
"Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his hand." 2:15
The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17 Haggai
God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down! 1:9
In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the sea, and the dry land." 2:6
"The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts." 2:8
Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or wine, because if you do your flesh won't be holy any more. 2:12
God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still didn't return to him. 2:17
"I will shake the heavens and the earth." 2:21 Zechariah
God's horseman patrols the earth on red colored horses. 1:8-11
Zechariah carries on an extended, casual conversation with an angel. 1:9 - 6:5
So, God says to Satan, "God rebuke thee, O Satan." 3:2
On the day of the Lord, the mount of Olives will be split in two and half the mountain will be removed. 4:4
God has seven eyes that "run to and fro through the whole earth." 4:10
Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the houses of thieves and liars. 5:1-4
Two women with wings like storks fly off with an ephah to the land of Shinar. 5:9-11
"I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury." 8:2
"Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... ten men ... shall take hold of the skirt of him that is a Jew." 8:23
"I [God] will hiss for them." 10:8
God named two sticks: "Beauty" and "Bands". 11:7
God "cut off" three shepherds in one month. God's soul and the soul of the shepherds loath one another. (I didn't even know God had a soul.) 11:8
God will "go forth and fight" for Jerusalem with "his feet" on the mount of Olives. (After he forces all the nations of the world to fight against Jerusalem.) 14:3 Malachi
The book of Malachi is anonymous; Malachi is just a transliteration of the Hebrew words for "my messenger." 1:1
"Wherein hast thou loved us?" Malachi was addressing the skeptics of his day who questioned God's love for them. Malachi explains that God must love them since he loved Jacob, hated Esau, and will be angry with the Edomites forever. 1:2-4
God hated Esau and gave his inheritance to the dragons. 1:3
"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3
"Ye have wearied the LORD with your words." 2:17
God is robbed by those who don't pay their full tithe. 3:8
God curses the Israelites for "robbing" him by not paying the proper amount of money in tithes. 3:9 Matthew
The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring genealogy like that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 ("Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies") and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies"). 1:1-17
Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen.38:2-29) 1:3
There are 29 generations listed from David to Jesus in Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43. Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, there are only three names in the two lists that are the same. 1:6-16
John has a good point in v.14. If Jesus is the sinless Son of God, then shouldn't Jesus be baptizing John instead of the reverse? Isn't baptism supposed to forgive sins and be a sign of repentance? If so, then why would Jesus need to be baptized? And what the heck is "it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness" supposed to mean? 3:14-15
The Son of God is led by the Spirit of God to be tempted by the devil. 4:1
Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible swear to tell the truth. 5:34-37
Don't defend yourself in court. 5:40
"But if thine eye be evil...." There's nothing worse than an evil eye. 6:23
"Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26
Ask, and it shall be given you."
Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. But this is probably the biggest. How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted parents have watched their children die while begging God to help? 7:7-8
The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of God. According to 1 Jn.4:15 ("Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in God. 8:29
After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into them, the "whole city" asks him to leave. I don't blame them. 8:34
"Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 9:22
Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1
Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8
Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more than sparrows.) 10:29. 31
"Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven." According to the gospels (Mt.26:69-75, Mk.14:66-72, Lk.22:55-62, Jn.15:18-27), Peter denied Jesus three times before men. Therefore Jesus must have denied Peter before God. 10:33
John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 11:3
John the Baptist was the greatest man ever to live (even greater than Jesus), but "he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he." 11:11
"And from the days of John the Baptist until now...." Until when? (John the Baptist was still alive when this verse was supposedly uttered.) Jesus continues to bewilder his poor disciples by saying, "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." 11:12
Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in Jonah. 12:40
Jesus predicts that he will be "in the heart of the earth" for three days and three nights. If by this he meant that he would be in the tomb for three days and three nights, then either he was mistaken or the gospels are in error. Because according to the gospels (this is one of the few things they all seem to agree on), Jesus was in the tomb for only one day and two nights. 12:40
When an unclean spirit (whatever that may be) leaves a person's body, he goes out to find another. Not finding any, he comes back with seven other spirits more wicked than himself and repossesses the person. 12:43-45
Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57
Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time (See Mt.16.13-14, Mk.6:14-15, 8:27-28, Lk.9:7-8, 18-19). If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the credibility of Jesus' resurrection? 14:1-2
"Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea."
Jesus and Peter walk on water. You can too, if you have more than a little faith. 14:25
The disciples wonder where they will get the bread to feed four thousand. But they should know by now, since Jesus just did the same trick in 14:14-21. These stories are probably the result of two oral versions of the same fictitious story. 15:33
Opinions were divided regarding the identity of Jesus, but many thought that he was the risen John the Baptist. The fact that people could be so easily fooled regarding the Baptist's "resurrection" casts doubt on the resurrection of Jesus. 16:14
When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 16:23
"Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."
If you want to stay alive, you must lose your life (kill yourself?) for Jesus' sake. 16:25
"Behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud .. said" 17:5
"And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face." 17:6
Jesus says that Elijah, whom he believes is John the Baptist, will come and "restore all things." But what things did John the Baptist restore? 17:11
If your faith is great enough, you can move mountains around. 17:20
Jesus tells Peter to pay his taxes with a coin that he'll find in the mouth of the first fish that he catches from the sea. 17:27
"There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin (Mt.5:29-30, Mt.18:8-9, Mk.9:43-48). It might make someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who alone will make it to heaven (Rev.14:3-4). 19:12
Jesus lists the "ten commandments," but his list has only six, and the sixth is not one of the ten. The commandments given by Jesus are secular, not religious, in nature. 19:18
Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 19:23
Jesus tells his apostles, "ye shall sit upon the twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel." I wonder which tribe Judas is judging? 19:28
Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7
Jesus curses a fig tree and the tree dies immediately (showing the world how much God Hates Figs). But in Mark's gospel (11:14, 20-21) the cursed fig tree doesn't die until the next morning. 21:19-20
If your faith is great enough, you can not only kill fig trees but move mountains around, too. Whatever you ask for you will receive. (O Lord, won't ya buy me a Mercedes-Benz?) 21:21-22
"What shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world? ... Nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes."
The end of the world will be signaled by wars, famines, disease, and earthquakes. 24:3, 7
If you see the abomination of desolation in the holy place, try to understand. God is trying to say something. 24:15
"Let them which be in Judea flee into the mountains." Why? Can't God find and kill them there, too? 24:16
Jesus says there will be "false Christs" that will "show great signs and wonders." Well, Jesus himself according to Acts 2:22 fits this description. 24:24
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 26:26-28
"I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom."
WooHoo! There will be wine to drink in heaven. 26:29
"And he went a little farther, and fell on his face." 26:39
The phrase "unto this day" shows that the gospel of Matthew was written long after the events it describes. 27:8, 28:15
When Jesus died, "the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints" arose. But they stayed in their graves until Jesus rose from the dead, when they began to walk around, appearing to many in Jerusalem. 27:53-54
"And behold, there was a great earthquake." 28:2
"He is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 28:6
Even some of Jesus' apostles doubted that the allegedly risen Christ was really Jesus. Well if they weren't sure, how could we ever be? 28:17 Mark
"Unclean spirits" confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. If 1 Jn.4:2 is true, then these "unclean spirits" are of God. 1:23-24
Jesus rebukes the "unclean spirit" for saying that Jesus is "the holy one of God." 1:25
Jesus casts out more devils and tells them not to reveal who he is. 1:32-34
More "unclean spirits" confess that Jesus is "the son of God." 1 Jn.4:2 says that all such spirits are of God. 3:11
Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that he was "the son of God." But Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12
Jesus gives his apostles the power to heal sickness and "cast out devils." 3:15
Jesus' friends think he is insane. 3:21
The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the p rince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22
A man possessed with "an unclean spirit" recognizes Jesus as the son of God. According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, this man must have been "of God." 5:7
Jesus sends devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. When the people hear about it, they beg Jesus to leave. 5:12-13
"A certain woman ... had an issue of blood twelve years...."
So this is where all those phony faith-healing stories came from! Notice that the doctors made her condition worse, but she was instantly cured by faith. 5:25-29
"Virtue had gone out of him."
Jesus loses some virtue whenever sick women touch him. 5:30
"Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 5:34
Jesus is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:3
"And he could do there no mighty work." 6:5
Jesus sends out his apostles, two by two, to cast out "unclean spirits." 6:7
"And they cast out many devils, and anointed with oil many that were sick, and healed them." 6:13
There was much disagreement and confusion about Jesus' identity. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And some (like Herod in this verse) thought he was the risen John the Baptist, even though John had just recently died and the people must have known what he looked like. 6:14-15
"An evil eye ... defile the man." 7:22-23
Jesus puts his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spits and touches the deaf man's tongue. 7:33
The disciples ought to know by now where they can get enough food to feed a few thousand. After all, Jesus had just done it before (6:34-44). This "doublet" was probably the result of two oral traditions of the same event. 8:4
Jesus spits on a blind man's eyes. 8:23
Jesus' spit did not completely cure the blind. So Jesus tried again. He put his hands on the man's eyes and, this time, the blind man "saw every man clearly." 8:24-25
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And many thought he was a risen John the Baptist. With credulity like that just about anyone could later be passed off as the risen Christ. 8:27-28
"Get thee behind me, Satan." When Peter expressed his dismay about Jesus' coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 8:33
Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26
"All things are possible to him that believeth." 9:23
The disciples saw some others that they didn't know "casting out devils" in Jesus' name. (It was a popular sport back in those days.) 9:38
Immortal worms: "Where their worm dieth not" 9:44, 46, 48
Jesus implies that he is neither good nor God. 10:18
When Jesus lists the Ten Commandments, he only mentions five -- the humanistic ones that make no mention of God. He also gives one that is not included in the so-called Ten Commandments: "defraud not." 10:19
Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 10:25
Jesus kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season. He did this to show the world how much God hates figs. 11:13-14
If you do "not doubt in your heart" you can cast a mountain into the sea (or kill a fig tree, or whatever). 11:23-24
"The beginnings of sorrows."
The end of the world will be marked with wars, famines, and earthquakes. (Thank God for that helpful hint!) 13:8
"In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25
Jesus says that heaven won't last forever. 13:31
There are some things that Jesus doesn't know -- like when the end of the world will come. 13:32
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 14:22-24
One of the followers of Jesus was a young, nearly naked man who dropped his linen cloth and "fled from them naked" when the priests came to arrest Jesus. 14:51-52
"He is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 16:6
"After that he appeared in another form."
Jesus transformed himself into a different form, appearing as a completely different person. (Maybe the disciples saw another person and assumed it was Jesus.) 16:12
The true followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: 1) cast out devils, 2)speak in tongues, 3) take up serpents, 4) drink poisons without harm, and 5) cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18 Luke
"He shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb."
John the Baptist was "filled with the Holy Ghost" even as a fetus! 1:15
God strikes Zacharias dumb for doubting the angel Gabriel's words. 1:20
John the Baptist, while still a fetus, leaped for joy when he heard the voice of Mary. 1:44
How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And how could God increase "in favour with God."? 2:52
In Luke's gospel, God addresses Jesus directly saying, "Thou art my beloved son." But Matthew (3:17) has God speak to those witnessing Jesus' baptism, by saying: "This is my beloved son." Whatever the exact wording, it is strange that after witnessing this even, John the Baptist is still unsure about Jesus (Mt.11:2-3, Lk.7:19). 3:22
The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5
Devils crawl out of people proclaiming that Jesus is "Christ the Son of God." According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, these devils were "of God." 4:41
"A man full of leprosy: who seeing Jesus fell on his face" 5:12
Jesus heals people that are "vexed with unclean spirits." 6:18
Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if someone steals from you offer them something additional. Don't turn down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers follow this one?), and when you loan something don't ask for it back. 6:29-30
"And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak." 7:12-15
John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. He sends his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art thou he that should come? or look we for another?" Well, if he's not sure, how can anyone else be? 7:19
Jesus cures those with "evil spirits." 7:21
Jesus removes seven devils from the body of Mary Magdalene. 8:2
"Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 8:48
Jesus gives his disciples "power and authority over all devils." 9:1
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets; others that he was the risen John the Baptist. With such a credulous populace, is it surprising that some people would later claim, and probably even believe, that they had seen the risen Christ? 9:7-8
Jesus falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27
Jesus raises Moses and Elijah from the dead and has a conversation with them. 9:30
Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39-42
James and John ask Jesus if they can call down fire from heaven to consume the Samaritans who didn't much care for Jesus' teaching. They'd like to kill people the way Elijah did. But shucks, Jesus won't let them. 9:54
The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. 10:17-18
"I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you." 10:19
Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21
People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14
Jesus says it is impossible to get rid of unclean spirits. If you manage to evict one, he'll soon return with seven others "more wicked than himself" and you'll be worse off than you were before. So just learn to live with whatever unclean spirits that are currently possessing you. 11:24-26
Jesus thinks that eyes can be evil. 11:34
Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
Jesus tells his followers to sell everything they own and give the money to the poor. 12:33
"That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, truth, beauty, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15
Those with little faith can pluck trees up by their roots and cast them into the sea. 17:6
Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you should too. 17:27
Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and history. 17:29-32
"Thou knowest the commandments." But apparently Jesus didn't, since he only named five of the Ten Commandments. (Notice that the five on Jesus' list are the secular ones that make no mention of God.) 18:20
Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." 18:25
Dead people have no God. 20:38
Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians will be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16-18
"And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars." 21:25
"That ye may ... sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel."
Which tribe will Judas judge? 22:30
"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." (Have you bought your Jesus sword yet?) 22:36
Jesus tells the "good thief" that they will both be in heaven "today." But how can that be since it's only Friday and, according to the gospels, Jesus lay dead in the tomb Friday night and all day Saturday. 23:43
"He ... is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 24:6
When Mary Magdalene and the other women gave their account of the resurrection to the apostles "their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not." 24:11
Two of Jesus' disciples failed to recognize him after his supposed resurrection. Maybe that was because the person they saw wasn't really Jesus. 24:16 John
John baptizes Jesus and declares him to be "the Son of God." But later, as he is about to be beheaded, John is no longer sure what to think about Jesus. So he sends his own disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" (Mt.11:3) Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 1:29-35
Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine. 2:9
Jesus believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21. (God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of foood and water, and then God told Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had." 5:4
Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
"All that are in the graves shall hear his voice." 5:28
Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a shame he didn't give us chapter and verse. 5:46
"They see Jesus walking on the sea." 6:19
The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not believe in him. 6:42
Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. This idea was just too gross for "many of his disciples" and "walked no more with him." 6:53-66
Jesus chose "a devil" for an apostle. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. 6:70
Even Jesus' family didn't believe in him. 7:5
Jesus accuses people of trying to kill him. But they say to him, "Thou hast a devil: who goeth about to kill thee?" 7:19-20
"We be not born of fornication" -- implying that Jesus was. 8:41
After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who believe in him will never die, his listeners reply, "now we know that thou hast a devil." 8:52
Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on a blind man's eyes. 9:6
A blind man's sight is restored by washing in the pool of Siloam. 9:7
"All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers."
Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:10
"Lazarus, come forth. And he that was dead came forth." 11:43
You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.) 12:25
Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:2
Jesus says that whatever you ask either him or his father for you will receive. Now how's that for a big lie? 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23
Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not believing in him. 15:22
He that hateth me hateth my Father also."
Oh, that's a good one. If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) 15:23
"She [Mary Magdalene] ... knew not that it was Jesus." (Maybe it wasn't Jesus.) 20:14
"When the doors were shut ... came Jesus and stood in the midst."
After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26
Peter is caught fishing naked. 21:7 Acts
Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk. 2:13
Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17
"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse. 2:20
Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31
The early Christians were the first communists, living a life that was the exact opposite of George Bush's "ownership society." 2:44-45
"Peter and John ... were unlearned and ignorant men." 4:13
"When they had prayed, the place was shaken." 4:31
The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16
A group of Christian communists were released from jail by an angel. 5:19
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 7:36, 13:18
Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7
The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-40
Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. 9:36-40
Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13
Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38
Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-6
Open Sesame: An angel magically breaks Peter out of prison. 12:7-10
"It is his angel."
The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it. They think he was "his angel" instead. (Everyone has an angel that looks just like them.) 12:12-15
"And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man."
When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God, and not a man." 12:20
"Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind, he believed. (Who else shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12
David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22
The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For an example of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1 Chr.20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of several cities. 13:34
The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter and Mercurius. 14:11-12
Paul "was forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia." 16:6
Paul and the newly circumcised Timothy tried to go to Bithynia, but the Spirit wouldn't let them. 16:7
Paul meets "a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination." 16:16
Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors of the prison. The same thing happens in The Da Vinci Code where the character involved even receives a new name (Silas) to commemorate the event. 16:26
If a husband believes, his whole family is automatically saved. 16:31
The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods. 17:18
Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22
God winked at ignorance. 17:30
"Paul ... having shorn his head ... for he had a vow." 18:18
"The school of Tyrannus" is the only school that is ever mentioned in the Bible. 19:9
After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord! 19:10
Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12
Evil spirits know Jesus and Paul. They also jump on people and strip them of their clothes. 19:15-16
A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians." 19:34
Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised him back to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:9-12
"A certain prophet, named Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands an feet." 21:10-11
Paul, that "pestilent fellow," is described as a "ringleader of the sect of Nazarenes." 24:5
Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he didn't die. 28:3-6
By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of their diseases. 28:8-9
The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22 Romans
Atheists have dark and foolish hearts. 1:21
"If thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision."
If you are circumcised and you break the law, your foreskin will grow back. 2:25
Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a god, perhaps? 3:5
Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was even older, managed to father six more children with a new wife without any divine assistance (Gen.21:2, 25:1-2). 4:19
The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim. 5:9
God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim. 5:12
God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20
There is nothing good about Paul. 7:18
God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing with, himself. 8:27
"All things work together for good to them that love God."
One of the greatest and most absurd lies in all of scripture. 8:28
Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18
"Rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil."
If you behave yourself, no king or government will mistreat you. 13:3
It is wrong to borrow money. 13:8
Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2 1 Corinthians
Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did it to anyone else. 1:14-16
God saves fools and is pleased with their foolishness. 1:21
God has "chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise." 1:27
If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know nothing (except for Jesus, of course). 2:2-5
Paul establishes his own cult (Christianity) by telling others to follow him. 4:16
A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:6-7
Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16
"But to the rest speak I, not the Lord." Really? So this stuff is in scripture but is not inspired by God? 7:12
"Else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."
The children of nonbelievers are unclean. (But believers' kids are holy.) 7:14
Paul says those who are circumcised should "not become uncircumcised." (It's pretty hard to undo.) 7:18
Slaves should not desire their freedom. Yet they should not be the servants of men. 7:21, 23
"Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment." So this is just Paul's opinion and is not divinely inspired scripture? 7:25
Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage since the world will be ending soon. 7:29
"Knowldedge puffeth up."
Knowledge is bad. 8:1
"If any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing."
Anyone that thinks they know something knows nothing. 8:2
Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to eat and then rise up to play. 10:7
If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from snake bites. 10:9
If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10
Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils. 10:20
In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." In this verse he says, "I please all men in all things." Therefore Paul is not the servant of Christ. 10:33
Paul says that everyone should follow him -- not Jesus. He'll take care of all that for you. 11:1
Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat dishonors his head. 11:4
God likes short hair on men and long hair on women. 11:13-15
Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and die. 11:30
"Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail."
Paul prophesies that all prophecies will fail. But since this itself is a prophecy, it also will fail (if the prophecy is correct), making it a false prophecy. 13:8
"But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant." 14:38
"He was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve."
But Judas hanged himself (Matthew 27:3-5) and Matthias was not elected (Acts 1:9-26) until after the ascension. 15:5
This is the verse that the Mormons use to justify their belief in the baptism of the dead. 15:29
Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36 2 Corinthians
Saved people smell good to God. 2:15
If Paul is crazy, it's God's fault; If he's sane, it's yours. 5:13
Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21
Bear with me a little in my folly. 11:1 "As the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty"
Paul believed the silly talking snake story in Genesis 3. 11:3
Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8
"I speak as a fool." 11:23
There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. Cool, eh? 12:2-3
"I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me." 12:11
"Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16
Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5
Greet one another with an holy kiss. 13:12 Galatians
Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13
"I would they were even cut off which trouble you."
Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12
"See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
Paul was proud of his large handwriting. 6:11 Ephesians
The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2
Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven. (Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5 Philippians
"Beware of dogs." 3:2
Believe whatever Paul tells you to believe, think whatever he tells you to think, and do whatever he tells you to do. 4:9
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Christians are superhuman and omnipotent. They can do whatever they want. 4:13
"My God shall supply all your need." 4:19 Colossians
"The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23
"Rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh."
The suffering Jesus was not sufficient to satisfy God's wrath, so the Paul (or whoever wrote Colossians) had to make up for what as lacking with his own sufferings. 1:24
"Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8 1 Thessalonians
Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10
Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him. 2:18 2 Thessalonians
Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8
Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9 1 Timothy
"Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4
"Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim.2:16-18 and 4:14-15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20
"A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2
"In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4
"Every creature of God is good."
Even guinea worms?
"Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8
Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23 2 Timothy
The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26
"All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezek. 23:20? 3:16 Titus
The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12
Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the bible, maybe? 1:14
"The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the time this statement was written, only a very small minority had seen or heard about Jesus. And still today there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11
"Avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, and Lk.3? 3:9 Philemon
"The bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." 1:7
Paul asks Philemon to receive Onesimus just as though he were Paul's very "own bowels." 1:12
"Refresh my bowels in the Lord." Amen 1:20 Hebrews
God swears to God. 6:13
Melchisedec had no father or mother. He just appeared ready-made by God. 7:1-3
"By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land." 11:29
"By faith the walls of Jericho fell down." 11:30
The heroes of faith (Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel) 11:32
"Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." 12:6
God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, you are a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8
"Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying ... I shake not the earth only, but also heaven."
When God speaks the are earthquakes (and heavenquakes). 12:26
Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels." 13:2 James
"If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give you. 1:5
James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7
If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15
By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17 1 Peter
"The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation of the world."
God planned to kill Jesus from the get-go. 1:19-20
The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for people to eat. 5:8 2 Peter
The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4
Noah was the first drunken preacher (Gen.9:20). 2:5
Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8
The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16
The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand years." 3:4
Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16 1 John
Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7
John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18
Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If so, then there are about four billion antichrists now living. 2:22
John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8
How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22
John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 4:15, 5:1
John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3
"God is love." See 1 Sam.15:2-3 for an example of what this type of love can do. 4:8, 16
You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12
"There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16
Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19 2 John
Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7
"Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9 3 John
"He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God." Of course it's not nearly this simple. There are many good atheists and bad theists. Take Moses, for example. Moses supposedly spoke to God face to face (Ex.33:11), yet look what he did in Numbers 31. 11 Jude
The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. 6
Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9
"To convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him." (Ungodly was the author of Jude's favorite word.) 16 Revelation
Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:13-16
The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18; 3:1, 7, 14
He (John or Jesus) knows "even where Satan's seat is." Wow! 2:13
Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16
John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18
"I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts."
Jesus will search your kidneys 2:23
God has seven spirits. (Counting the Holy Spirit?) 3:1, 4:5, 5:6
God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18
John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8
John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6
"And the four beasts said, Amen." 5:14
God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people. 6:2
The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14
God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3
144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4
"All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces." 7:11
Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14
An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5
"And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10
The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12
An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13
The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1
God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10
Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19
An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10
Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5
God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6
After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7
Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12
"The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces." 11:16
"There were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." 11:19
The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. To the author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 12:4
"And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7
John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2
"All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4
The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8
"The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world"
God planned to kill Jesus before he created the world. 13:8
John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13
The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15
John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18
Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4
Jesus sits on a white cloud with a sharp sickle in his hand. When the angel tells him to reap, he kills all the people with his sickle. 14:14-18
"One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7
The angel says God is righteous for turning rivers into blood. Well, it's an interesting point of view. But I'd say he's a raving lunatic. 16:5
Another angel tells God how righteous he is because he gives saints blood to drink. 16:7
Those who were being burned to death by God didn't repent "to give him glory." 16:9
Even after being burned alive, those nasty people wouldn't repent! 16:11
Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14
"Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15
The seventh vial: voices, thunders, lightnings, earthquakes, hail. 16:17-21
God destroyed every island and mountain (just for the hell of it). 16:20
"A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record. (The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21
The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5
"The beast that was, and is not, and yet is." 17:8
"And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth..." 17:9-13
"And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues." 17:15
"They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17
"The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen; Alleluia." 19:4
Jesus has eyes of fire and many crowns on his head. But no one knows his name except for Jesus himself, and he's not telling (well until the next verse, that is). 19:12
Jesus's clothes are dipped in blood and his secret name ("that no man knew") is "The Word of God". (I bet you thought it was Jesus!) 19:13
With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful in heaven into holy war on earth. 19:14-15
"And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS."
Oh Goodie. Jesus has another secret name. He even has it written on his thigh. (Some sort of tattoo maybe?) 19:16
An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3
"The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6
In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard. 22:2
"His name shall be in their foreheads."
WTF? His name will be in their foreheads? Which of Jesus's many secret names with that be? Will beleivers have "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" branded on their foreheads like Jesus has tattooed to his thigh? Or "The Word of God" or "Jealous"? And why does God have to mark is followers on their foreheads? Can't he tell the ones that are stupid enough to believe this kind of stuff? 22:4
"The time is at hand." 22:10
This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Isaiah 14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16
Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19

Mungkin postingan ini agak langsung merujuk kepada kawan-kawan Christian... Tapi saya hanya membagikan informasi yang saya dapatkan. Kalau salah ya, monggo dibenarkan, kalau benar ya bagus supaya nambah pengetahuan kita. Saya hanya membantu menerjemahkan sedikit saja... Hehehe... :)

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